Tired

I was absent from Internet for only 24 hours, and it was a very good 24 hours of total solitude, rest & relaxation. Yet, when I returned, it was as if someone had pulled the rug out from under my feet and I went crashing downward...hitting every rock & boulder along the way.
I ask God, "Is it not enough that I have to live with PTSD, Bi-Polar (Manic-Depressive Disorder) and lasting effects of three head injuries (thus far) over the course of my almost 51 years, but then I have to deal with people making fun of me, mocking me, criticizing me for my behavior that I really don't have a handle on in the first place? Is it not enough that I struggle with emotions that I can't explain, thought processes that even I can't comprehend, only to be repeatedly harassed and ridiculed as if I can do a single thing about any of it?"
And what about those foolish people; those thoughtless, inconsiderate bullies who do things, say things, infer things that hurt & upset me? Am I just supposed to lie down and take it because they say so? God help me if I defend myself to any degree because then I become the one who 'needs help', the one who 'gets her panties in a wad', 'the crazy old stupid lady'. 

Truth is...I don't like this life, but I accept it because there isn't a thing I can do to change any of it. Some aspects of my life came into being because of choices I made. But other aspects arrived by the hand of others...and these are probably the parts that I rage against because I truly hate being imprisoned to any degree; yet, even if the only escape will be my blessed death, I will rage until that final breath leaves my body. 

I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of the rage that silently consumes me. 
I am tired of being misunderstood because no one, it seems, has the ability or the compassion to comprehend just how painful this life is, and has always been, for me.

Suicide is not an option for me, so there should be no worries there. However, I do long for the day when my God in Heaven looks down on me and says, "You've had enough. It's time to come home to Glory."  
I don't know if I'll be worthy to live in Heaven, but I will certainly be ready to see if I am.