I guess that I will never understand why people can be so mean to other people; why people can just be mean, period.
I understand anger. I understand being so frustrated, irritated, annoyed and pissed that one forgets their manners and acts like an ass. I can understand fear and I can understand rage and I can understand hatred. I can even understand jealousy and envy.
However, I can not understand meanness.
I wonder if there are just some people born mean. Perhaps there is some short in the genetic wiring, some ugly hardening of one's heart before birth. Maybe something bad happened to them when they were little bitty people and they lacked the strength and motivation to rise above the bad stuff and allowed it to drown them in badness. ???
I simply do not understand this, nor do I comprehend it.
If I do or say something mean spirited, I KNOW, and then, I feel terrible and in most instances, I go back and beg forgiveness because I KNOW what I did or said was WRONG.
But, mean people seem to lack this ability. Or, maybe, they just don't care.
I have also noticed that these mean people tend to hang around with other mean people and once these two are together, the meanness turns evil and they become bullies, maiming and murdering people in their cross-hairs with orgasmic abandon.
I just don't understand this meanness. Maybe if I understood it, I could accept it; but if I accept it, wouldn't that open a door for their meanness to get into me as well?
I think I will be better off not understanding these mean people and instead of trying to figure out why they are mean, maybe I should figure out ways to stay as far away from them as possible as an act of self preservation!
I have been bullied and harmed by mean people to the point that my first desire is to be mean back. But what would that accomplish, aside from making me as bad as them? It would accomplish nothing BUT that.
So, I wander away from them, and I hope and I pray that my path is so confusing to them that they give up the chase and leave me alone. And then, I pray for them because they truly need God...and by doing so, God gives me peace and protection.
But it's not easy because mean people make me angry.
I understand anger...But I often wonder, do THEY understand my anger?
If they don't, they should.
But if I will never understand why people can be so mean to other people, I doubt that these mean people will ever understand when they have pushed to hard & crossed the lines.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
My eldest child
I did not walk away from my eldest son. I did not 'get mad at him' and sever ties with him. That is an out and out LIE and anyone who claims it is a damned LIAR!
My eldest son and his wife hate me for keeping tabs on and eventually gaining custody of my eldest son's child, my first grandchild. They wanted me to forget him and abandon him as they did. They wanted me to leave him in an abusive situation as they did and they have said that I was 'crazy' and worse because I would not do as they did.
But I could not do that and I did not. My original goal was to gain custody of my grandchild in order that my son and his new wife could take him and raise him as they should have done. But they refused and not only lied about me, but lied about this precious child. My husband and I were finally able to adopt this child because we loved him and he deserved a good, safe and loving home. He did not create himself and he did not deserve to be mistreated and abandoned as he had been.
But still, I tried to keep in touch with my eldest son. I called him, I went to see him, I did everything to keep the relationship going because...I love my eldest child. But he wouldn't return my phone calls and he wasn't particularly happy to see me if I arrived at his home. But still I tried, even after I heard the lies they were telling about me. I still tried.
But on Christmas morning of 2008 I called my eldest child to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas and I heard him tell his wife in the background, "I don't want to talk to her. Why doesn't she just leave me alone." When he did finally come to the phone, all he did was mumble and at that time I said, with a broken heart, "I love you. I always have and I always will. I want only the best for you and if you ever need me or want me in your life, you know where I'm at. But I will not bother you again because I know it upsets you. I love you." And that was it. Since that day, I have heard not a single word from he or his wife.
I did NOT sever ties. Instead, I put that choice in his hands and he is the one who has left me...and his two siblings...and his first born child.
And if you think that I take this mildly, you would be wrong. This breaks my heart over and over again.
I would never sever ties with any child I gave birth to. NEVER! But I do respect their choices, even if it kills me inside because I am not a stalker and because I love them.
My eldest son and his wife hate me for keeping tabs on and eventually gaining custody of my eldest son's child, my first grandchild. They wanted me to forget him and abandon him as they did. They wanted me to leave him in an abusive situation as they did and they have said that I was 'crazy' and worse because I would not do as they did.
But I could not do that and I did not. My original goal was to gain custody of my grandchild in order that my son and his new wife could take him and raise him as they should have done. But they refused and not only lied about me, but lied about this precious child. My husband and I were finally able to adopt this child because we loved him and he deserved a good, safe and loving home. He did not create himself and he did not deserve to be mistreated and abandoned as he had been.
But still, I tried to keep in touch with my eldest son. I called him, I went to see him, I did everything to keep the relationship going because...I love my eldest child. But he wouldn't return my phone calls and he wasn't particularly happy to see me if I arrived at his home. But still I tried, even after I heard the lies they were telling about me. I still tried.
But on Christmas morning of 2008 I called my eldest child to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas and I heard him tell his wife in the background, "I don't want to talk to her. Why doesn't she just leave me alone." When he did finally come to the phone, all he did was mumble and at that time I said, with a broken heart, "I love you. I always have and I always will. I want only the best for you and if you ever need me or want me in your life, you know where I'm at. But I will not bother you again because I know it upsets you. I love you." And that was it. Since that day, I have heard not a single word from he or his wife.
I did NOT sever ties. Instead, I put that choice in his hands and he is the one who has left me...and his two siblings...and his first born child.
And if you think that I take this mildly, you would be wrong. This breaks my heart over and over again.
I would never sever ties with any child I gave birth to. NEVER! But I do respect their choices, even if it kills me inside because I am not a stalker and because I love them.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Follow up to previous post...
I have decided to write a little follow up concerning my previous post as I have received some pretty accusatory remarks as to my motivation. For those that truly know me, my motivation has not been questioned. Unfortunately, that is not the case for all. I don't really owe anyone an explanation aside from my God, my husband and my children. However, since the letter has been made public, I might as well make the motivation public.
#1. Writing this letter to my mother and finally severing all ties with her after 50 years, 3 months and 8 days of this confusing, unpredictable relationship was by and far one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not THE hardest, but right up there next to it. I prayed about this, (YES, I most certainly did PRAY!), I cried over this, and it took me YEARS to gather the courage to write it. Twenty years ago while undergoing therapy for PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Co-Dependent Disorder, I was strongly advised to write this letter and I did not. I was scared of that woman. She had made me believe from an early age that she could hurt hurt me and that she could kill me. She still scares me because I know that she is mentally unstable and can be violent when pushed, but I am standing up to that fear now because I must. This letter was a part of my therapy, an integral part of my healing and subsequent healing...LONG OVERDUE!
#2. I did NOT write this letter as revenge. I did not make this letter public out of revenge and for anyone to claim otherwise is quiet simply ludicrous. Since this letter was written it has been available for anyone to read and I warned her that she had better repeat the letter word for word as it could be, would be read by others. She apparently did not believe me and she should have. I make no idle threats, but I most certainly do keep my promises. I also told her that she had crossed the line when she messed with my child, but apparently she forgot that as well. This letter was made public so that anyone could read word for word what I had written and at least they would know what I REALLY said.
#3. It has been said that I just need to 'let this go' and I really wish I could do so quickly. Unfortunately, no one who has ever been in the position that I was in has ever been able to 'let go' quickly. Healing is a process...A deep wound is caused and it is never allowed to heal properly. It festers and becomes infected. Sometimes proud flesh evolves, sometimes gangrene sets in, and sometimes a portion has to be removed in order that the wound can have a chance to heal. Once it begins to heal, it can not do so overnight. Based on how severe, how deep, how wide and how gangrenous the wound was, the healing can take weeks, months, even years to heal. And during that time, the last thing that needs to happen is any type of trauma to that wound or near it, or else the wound can reopen and the process must begin again.
I am going through a healing process right now and it will not happen quickly. There are steps that must be taken, areas that must be cleansed, pieces that must be scraped away to make way for healthy tissue to grow.
If this makes you uncomfortable, then that is YOUR problem. I have enough to deal with without having to be reprimanded for doing what I have been advised to do, for doing what my heart, mind and soul told me I needed to do a long, long time ago.
This is the story of MY life and this is MY blog where I can write whatsoever I choose to write. I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't believe it or lack the ability to comprehend it. GOD knows that my words are true. GOD knows the pain in my heart. GOD knows my motivations...And GOD is the ONLY being that has been with me from day one!
Abuse in ANY form is bad, but abuse on a continual basis for years upon years is downright evil and the only way to deal with evil is to shine light upon it and bring the secrets that have held us bondage out into the open for ALL to see.
Besides, if revenge had been my motivation I would have sent those filthy pictures off to Hustler, or some other filthy magazine, and made a little money so I wouldn't have had to live in my danged car for three weeks back in '81 when she kicked me out of the house and told me that I couldn't go to family for help because they all hated me.
But as hard as all of this has been, I regret not doing so because revenge would have been a heck of a lot easier!
#1. Writing this letter to my mother and finally severing all ties with her after 50 years, 3 months and 8 days of this confusing, unpredictable relationship was by and far one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not THE hardest, but right up there next to it. I prayed about this, (YES, I most certainly did PRAY!), I cried over this, and it took me YEARS to gather the courage to write it. Twenty years ago while undergoing therapy for PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Co-Dependent Disorder, I was strongly advised to write this letter and I did not. I was scared of that woman. She had made me believe from an early age that she could hurt hurt me and that she could kill me. She still scares me because I know that she is mentally unstable and can be violent when pushed, but I am standing up to that fear now because I must. This letter was a part of my therapy, an integral part of my healing and subsequent healing...LONG OVERDUE!
#2. I did NOT write this letter as revenge. I did not make this letter public out of revenge and for anyone to claim otherwise is quiet simply ludicrous. Since this letter was written it has been available for anyone to read and I warned her that she had better repeat the letter word for word as it could be, would be read by others. She apparently did not believe me and she should have. I make no idle threats, but I most certainly do keep my promises. I also told her that she had crossed the line when she messed with my child, but apparently she forgot that as well. This letter was made public so that anyone could read word for word what I had written and at least they would know what I REALLY said.
#3. It has been said that I just need to 'let this go' and I really wish I could do so quickly. Unfortunately, no one who has ever been in the position that I was in has ever been able to 'let go' quickly. Healing is a process...A deep wound is caused and it is never allowed to heal properly. It festers and becomes infected. Sometimes proud flesh evolves, sometimes gangrene sets in, and sometimes a portion has to be removed in order that the wound can have a chance to heal. Once it begins to heal, it can not do so overnight. Based on how severe, how deep, how wide and how gangrenous the wound was, the healing can take weeks, months, even years to heal. And during that time, the last thing that needs to happen is any type of trauma to that wound or near it, or else the wound can reopen and the process must begin again.
I am going through a healing process right now and it will not happen quickly. There are steps that must be taken, areas that must be cleansed, pieces that must be scraped away to make way for healthy tissue to grow.
If this makes you uncomfortable, then that is YOUR problem. I have enough to deal with without having to be reprimanded for doing what I have been advised to do, for doing what my heart, mind and soul told me I needed to do a long, long time ago.
This is the story of MY life and this is MY blog where I can write whatsoever I choose to write. I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't believe it or lack the ability to comprehend it. GOD knows that my words are true. GOD knows the pain in my heart. GOD knows my motivations...And GOD is the ONLY being that has been with me from day one!
Abuse in ANY form is bad, but abuse on a continual basis for years upon years is downright evil and the only way to deal with evil is to shine light upon it and bring the secrets that have held us bondage out into the open for ALL to see.
Besides, if revenge had been my motivation I would have sent those filthy pictures off to Hustler, or some other filthy magazine, and made a little money so I wouldn't have had to live in my danged car for three weeks back in '81 when she kicked me out of the house and told me that I couldn't go to family for help because they all hated me.
But as hard as all of this has been, I regret not doing so because revenge would have been a heck of a lot easier!
Friday, August 16, 2013
My Sleep Deprived Rant
Until about three months ago, I was having no trouble going to bed & falling asleep within minutes. I would sleep like the dead, without a dream one, and wake up the next morning refreshed. I had no fear for I knew that God was looking out for Logan and I, and the worries I had were easily placed on the back burner of my mind and forgotten about until the next day. My mind did not go over and over a problem, nor did I just lie there and wish for the elusive Sand Man to come along. I laid myself down in the bed, closed my eyes and went to sleep.
But that happens no more.
I will stay up forever, just waiting to get drowsy, and when I finally do, hours upon hours past midnight, I lay there. I toss. I turn. I flip. I flop. I pray. And yet, sleep evades me.
I tried to blame 'the kid', but Thursday night I finally got him down before 10:30 and yet at 4am Friday morning I was still tossing and turning.
What's changed in MY life?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My life is still the same as it has been for a long while now. Things are good. I am good.
However, drastic things have changed in the lives of my extended family and unfortunately I have been made aware of some long held beliefs about me that no longer apply, and haven't for a very long time.
Yes. It bothers the hell out of me! I simply can not understand why it is so hard for people to fathom that a person can, and most often does, change. The person I was between the ages of 15 and 22 was a person who was stretching her wings, testing the boundaries, learning how to find her way in the world, and she was NOT perfect. However, she was also NOT a follower. She had to see things, try things and find things out for herself because that is just who she was, and IS. She made mistakes because she was human. But those 7 years did not define her and she was not the sum of her failures, mistakes and poor choices.
Yes. It ANGERS me to learn that after all of these years there are certain people in my extended family who only know me from then and have not a clue as to who I became from 23 to 50!
It saddens me that they only remember me as someone who is a total stranger to me now.
To know that I have lived my life loving and caring about people who think so damned little of me is heartbreaking, and there isn't a single damned thing I can do about it. Not one.
Of course there is the situation concerning those who gave me life, and that has been a living nightmare for all involved, and it has involved a lot of us, unfortunately. I didn't want to be involved, but how can I not be? My heart is pulled in so many directions that I find myself more confused than ever. I don't want to take sides. I shouldn't be given a choice, either. I just wish all the hatred and vindictiveness, the cruelty and the tongue wagging would just STOP!
I grew up in this shit and it took me too many adult years to realize that shit is NOT the way happy, strong people conduct their lives. I moved away, I grew up and I found happiness, joy and peace. I have enjoyed it immensely. I have flourished as a person. And then, before I even realized it, I allow my emotions to pull me back into the miserable cesspool, and I DO NOT want to be in the midst of this shit!
I want to RUN! I want to find a big sand hill and bury my head in it. I want to just forget about the bad shit and think of absolutely NOTHING!
I don't want to hear about wars or rumors of wars. I don't want to be in the midst of a battle that I had nothing to do with because I do not want to be anyone's innocent victim ever again.
But does it really matter? When shit hits the fan it gets all over everything and everyone. I just wish that I'd been smarter and run faster and farther.
Add to this the 'choices' I've made. Pretty benign considering the other crap, but since I don't have much crap in my own personal life, those 'choices' and the consequences of such are pretty damned important to me.
I made them and I own them. That SHOULD be the end of it, but because I don't have the heart to tell people to just 'Shut the F--- up!', I get to listen to those who have always played it safe give me their 'superior and all knowing' advise. It's not bad enough that I am already battling with Jennifer, but then I find myself in situations where I have to listen to hypocrites, jackasses, assholes and dumb-asses administer their all-knowing advise to me in what I hear as a condescending tone of voice!
Okay! I 'get' that the majority of people who think they know me also think my IQ level is below 50 and my common sense is non-existent. Yeah. Like I said, I 'get' that. They couldn't make it any plainer even if they were honest, straight forward, to the point and said, "I'm telling you this because it is my belief that you are a 50 year old retard who needs me to tell you what to do since there are no group homes for idiots like you." I would nod my head and say, "Yeah. I already 'got' that." The only thing different might be that I put into use the 'F-bomb' and add something like, "And by the way, F--- YOU, mother-effer, and the jackass you rode in on!"
Because, you know...I'm TIRED! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in three freaking months! Bullshit has just about got the better of my temper & vocabulary!
Last night as I tried to go to sleep I talked to God and I even told Him, "I am so sick of all this crap that I am fixing to start telling people to 'F' off! I know it's not right and I'm sorry, but I am MAD and I am TIRED!"
I just want to carry my tired ass to bed at 10pm, lie down in said bed, close my eyes and fall asleep within minutes!
I just want people to behave themselves, treat each other with mutual respect, show a little love, a lot of consideration, be kind and stop treating me like a freaking idiot!
Yeah. I know it's a fantasy and that will never happen on this earth, but an old lady can dream, can't she? I mean, what else can I do? I certainly can't go to 'effin' SLEEP!
But that happens no more.
I will stay up forever, just waiting to get drowsy, and when I finally do, hours upon hours past midnight, I lay there. I toss. I turn. I flip. I flop. I pray. And yet, sleep evades me.
I tried to blame 'the kid', but Thursday night I finally got him down before 10:30 and yet at 4am Friday morning I was still tossing and turning.
What's changed in MY life?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My life is still the same as it has been for a long while now. Things are good. I am good.
However, drastic things have changed in the lives of my extended family and unfortunately I have been made aware of some long held beliefs about me that no longer apply, and haven't for a very long time.
Yes. It bothers the hell out of me! I simply can not understand why it is so hard for people to fathom that a person can, and most often does, change. The person I was between the ages of 15 and 22 was a person who was stretching her wings, testing the boundaries, learning how to find her way in the world, and she was NOT perfect. However, she was also NOT a follower. She had to see things, try things and find things out for herself because that is just who she was, and IS. She made mistakes because she was human. But those 7 years did not define her and she was not the sum of her failures, mistakes and poor choices.
Yes. It ANGERS me to learn that after all of these years there are certain people in my extended family who only know me from then and have not a clue as to who I became from 23 to 50!
It saddens me that they only remember me as someone who is a total stranger to me now.
To know that I have lived my life loving and caring about people who think so damned little of me is heartbreaking, and there isn't a single damned thing I can do about it. Not one.
Of course there is the situation concerning those who gave me life, and that has been a living nightmare for all involved, and it has involved a lot of us, unfortunately. I didn't want to be involved, but how can I not be? My heart is pulled in so many directions that I find myself more confused than ever. I don't want to take sides. I shouldn't be given a choice, either. I just wish all the hatred and vindictiveness, the cruelty and the tongue wagging would just STOP!
I grew up in this shit and it took me too many adult years to realize that shit is NOT the way happy, strong people conduct their lives. I moved away, I grew up and I found happiness, joy and peace. I have enjoyed it immensely. I have flourished as a person. And then, before I even realized it, I allow my emotions to pull me back into the miserable cesspool, and I DO NOT want to be in the midst of this shit!
I want to RUN! I want to find a big sand hill and bury my head in it. I want to just forget about the bad shit and think of absolutely NOTHING!
I don't want to hear about wars or rumors of wars. I don't want to be in the midst of a battle that I had nothing to do with because I do not want to be anyone's innocent victim ever again.
But does it really matter? When shit hits the fan it gets all over everything and everyone. I just wish that I'd been smarter and run faster and farther.
Add to this the 'choices' I've made. Pretty benign considering the other crap, but since I don't have much crap in my own personal life, those 'choices' and the consequences of such are pretty damned important to me.
I made them and I own them. That SHOULD be the end of it, but because I don't have the heart to tell people to just 'Shut the F--- up!', I get to listen to those who have always played it safe give me their 'superior and all knowing' advise. It's not bad enough that I am already battling with Jennifer, but then I find myself in situations where I have to listen to hypocrites, jackasses, assholes and dumb-asses administer their all-knowing advise to me in what I hear as a condescending tone of voice!
Okay! I 'get' that the majority of people who think they know me also think my IQ level is below 50 and my common sense is non-existent. Yeah. Like I said, I 'get' that. They couldn't make it any plainer even if they were honest, straight forward, to the point and said, "I'm telling you this because it is my belief that you are a 50 year old retard who needs me to tell you what to do since there are no group homes for idiots like you." I would nod my head and say, "Yeah. I already 'got' that." The only thing different might be that I put into use the 'F-bomb' and add something like, "And by the way, F--- YOU, mother-effer, and the jackass you rode in on!"
Because, you know...I'm TIRED! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in three freaking months! Bullshit has just about got the better of my temper & vocabulary!
Last night as I tried to go to sleep I talked to God and I even told Him, "I am so sick of all this crap that I am fixing to start telling people to 'F' off! I know it's not right and I'm sorry, but I am MAD and I am TIRED!"
I just want to carry my tired ass to bed at 10pm, lie down in said bed, close my eyes and fall asleep within minutes!
I just want people to behave themselves, treat each other with mutual respect, show a little love, a lot of consideration, be kind and stop treating me like a freaking idiot!
Yeah. I know it's a fantasy and that will never happen on this earth, but an old lady can dream, can't she? I mean, what else can I do? I certainly can't go to 'effin' SLEEP!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Prayer in Open D
Prayer in Open D
Songwriter: (Emmylou Harris)
There's a valley of sorrow in my soul
Where every night I hear the thunder roll
Like the sound of a distant gun
Over all the damage I have done
And the shadows filling up this land
Are the ones I built with my own hand
There is no comfort from the cold
Of this valley of sorrow in my soul
There's a river of darkness in my blood
And through every vein I feel the flood
I can find no bridge for me to cross
No way to bring back what is lost
Into the night it soon will sweep
Down where all my grievances I keep
But it won't wash away the years
Or one single hard and bitter tear
And the rock of ages I have known
Is a weariness down in the bone
I use to ride it like a rolling stone
Now just carry it alone
There's a highway risin' from my dreams
Deep in the heart I know it gleams
For I have seen it stretching wide
Clear across to the other side
Beyond the river and the flood
And the valley where for so long I've stood
With the rock of ages in my bones
Someday I know it will lead me home...
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Negative days...
Before I even get started, I know. I KNOW. I have so many things to be thankful for and I AM thankful for so many things. I'm healthy, have a roof over my head (that I own, free and clear), a good husband, wonderful kids and grand kids, food to eat, clothes to wear, and the list just goes on and on and on.
BUT!!!!!
Some mornings. Some days. Some moments.
I truly hate my life!
Not the people. Sometimes they aggravate me, but I never hate them...well, except for those four or five that I walked away from.
The things I hate are, well, the THINGS!
The bills, the problems, the annoyances, the dirt, the clutter, the lack of funds, the unfinished projects, the unfulfilled dreams, the knowledge that I will never have some of the material things I have wanted my whole life.
Pretty shallow, Eh?
Yeah. So what. Sometimes we're all entitled to be a little human, even those of us who aren't driven by keeping up with the 'Tarkington Prairie Johnsons' and/or the 'Holier & Better Than Thou' extended members of our family.
Sometimes it's okay to wake up and be human...and to just want to kick the cat, throw a wrench, slam a door and cuss the dog! Doesn't mean it's probably the RIGHT thing to do, but it is perfectly human and perfectly normal to sometimes WANT to expend a little frustration and say, "Sometimes this crap really PISSES ME OFF!"
And to hell with those super analytical people who question our angst and try to find some deep emotional issue that has led us to remove the mask that tells the world, 'We are GREAT! Everything is FINE! Life is PERFECT! It's ALL good!'
Life is life. Some days it's good and some days it SUCKS. EVERYONE has these days, though few will admit to it.
I am reminded that I don't have cancer, my house isn't up for repossession, my husband hasn't left me, I am not starving...when I bitch about the snake that bit my dog, the scorpions I find in my kitchen, the spider that watched me shower, being in the middle of nowhere without a vehicle...And while I am so very thankful that I don't have cancer, my house is mine, my husband still loves me (God bless that man!) and my freezer is full, I am human and I HATE snakes, and scorpions and spiders and the fact that out here it's pretty darned scary to be without a dependable ride!
So I sit here this morning and admit that I am tired. I am VERY tired of the crap. All of it. Every little bitty piece of it.
I am tired of having to fight and raise hell to get anything done. I am tired of 2-faced people and back-biters, lazy moronic politicians, the communistic IRS, the idiots that control our schools, the hateful racism in our country. I am tired of family feuds and lines being drawn in the sand. I am tired of the little aggravations, the little annoyances and upheavals of life.
I am just tired of everything being so damned hard and I am tired of some things getting worse instead of better, robbing me of hope and damaging my faith.
So, yeah. I woke up this morning and I am supposed to be thankful. I am, a little.
I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next and if some things will ever change for the better because at this point, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing dimmer by the day!
BUT!!!!!
Some mornings. Some days. Some moments.
I truly hate my life!
Not the people. Sometimes they aggravate me, but I never hate them...well, except for those four or five that I walked away from.
The things I hate are, well, the THINGS!
The bills, the problems, the annoyances, the dirt, the clutter, the lack of funds, the unfinished projects, the unfulfilled dreams, the knowledge that I will never have some of the material things I have wanted my whole life.
Pretty shallow, Eh?
Yeah. So what. Sometimes we're all entitled to be a little human, even those of us who aren't driven by keeping up with the 'Tarkington Prairie Johnsons' and/or the 'Holier & Better Than Thou' extended members of our family.
Sometimes it's okay to wake up and be human...and to just want to kick the cat, throw a wrench, slam a door and cuss the dog! Doesn't mean it's probably the RIGHT thing to do, but it is perfectly human and perfectly normal to sometimes WANT to expend a little frustration and say, "Sometimes this crap really PISSES ME OFF!"
And to hell with those super analytical people who question our angst and try to find some deep emotional issue that has led us to remove the mask that tells the world, 'We are GREAT! Everything is FINE! Life is PERFECT! It's ALL good!'
Life is life. Some days it's good and some days it SUCKS. EVERYONE has these days, though few will admit to it.
I am reminded that I don't have cancer, my house isn't up for repossession, my husband hasn't left me, I am not starving...when I bitch about the snake that bit my dog, the scorpions I find in my kitchen, the spider that watched me shower, being in the middle of nowhere without a vehicle...And while I am so very thankful that I don't have cancer, my house is mine, my husband still loves me (God bless that man!) and my freezer is full, I am human and I HATE snakes, and scorpions and spiders and the fact that out here it's pretty darned scary to be without a dependable ride!
So I sit here this morning and admit that I am tired. I am VERY tired of the crap. All of it. Every little bitty piece of it.
I am tired of having to fight and raise hell to get anything done. I am tired of 2-faced people and back-biters, lazy moronic politicians, the communistic IRS, the idiots that control our schools, the hateful racism in our country. I am tired of family feuds and lines being drawn in the sand. I am tired of the little aggravations, the little annoyances and upheavals of life.
I am just tired of everything being so damned hard and I am tired of some things getting worse instead of better, robbing me of hope and damaging my faith.
So, yeah. I woke up this morning and I am supposed to be thankful. I am, a little.
I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next and if some things will ever change for the better because at this point, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing dimmer by the day!
Friday, July 12, 2013
July 12th, 2013
Another day down. Thanking God for another day, but glad it's over.
I went to bed last night and prayed for an hour until I finally fell asleep. Logan had a friend over and they stayed up all night, except for a 2 hour nap, so my sleep was disturbed and I did not rest well. I woke up this morning, knowing what I needed to do...But I drank a cup of tea, ate my breakfast, took pictures of my Morning Glories and Bell Flowers while all the while second guessing myself and making excuse after excuse. I sent out a couple of texts asking for advice from family & friend, but then when I went on Facebook again, there she was. Another childish, 'look at poor pitiful me' post.
That was it. I had had enough. So, I blocked my mother from my Facebook and I hope and pray that I never have to see or speak to her again.
Perhaps I will find the strength to write my life story here. I've not written much before because I feared my mother. But I will no longer allow her to control or manipulate me by fear. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless if it is true or a complete lie. It's been this way my entire life, so it's not anything new to me to have my mother spread vindictive lies.
But for now, I'll just sit back and breath a much needed sigh of relief.
I'm 50 years old now and it's way past time for me to be getting on with my life and not have her drama to contend with.
But I do pray that God saves her soul and heals her mental illness, as well as the physical illness she's caused herself.
I do not hate her, but I certainly do not like or trust her.
I went to bed last night and prayed for an hour until I finally fell asleep. Logan had a friend over and they stayed up all night, except for a 2 hour nap, so my sleep was disturbed and I did not rest well. I woke up this morning, knowing what I needed to do...But I drank a cup of tea, ate my breakfast, took pictures of my Morning Glories and Bell Flowers while all the while second guessing myself and making excuse after excuse. I sent out a couple of texts asking for advice from family & friend, but then when I went on Facebook again, there she was. Another childish, 'look at poor pitiful me' post.
That was it. I had had enough. So, I blocked my mother from my Facebook and I hope and pray that I never have to see or speak to her again.
Perhaps I will find the strength to write my life story here. I've not written much before because I feared my mother. But I will no longer allow her to control or manipulate me by fear. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless if it is true or a complete lie. It's been this way my entire life, so it's not anything new to me to have my mother spread vindictive lies.
But for now, I'll just sit back and breath a much needed sigh of relief.
I'm 50 years old now and it's way past time for me to be getting on with my life and not have her drama to contend with.
But I do pray that God saves her soul and heals her mental illness, as well as the physical illness she's caused herself.
I do not hate her, but I certainly do not like or trust her.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
What is Love?
What is love? What is it REALLY?
When you meet a special person and you 'fall' in love with them, or maybe you become friends and eventually grow to love them, what kind of love do you have?
Is it a self-serving kind of love, where you feel a strong tie and commitment to them because they flatter you with compliments and shower you with gifts? Does that love diminish and fade if the compliments cease and the gifts no longer arrive?
Is it a selfish love where you feel strongly for the person because of how they make YOU feel, what they do for YOU, how they make YOU look to others? Does this love die when you no longer feel satisfied in the relationship, when you no longer feel the other person is doing enough for you and for whatever reason the other person no longer causes you to look good in front of others?
Are these examples of REAL love?
(I'm not talking about abusive situations where one person causes danger to another person and the only means of safety is to flee the situation. So let's not even go there because that's a completely different topic.)
I'm talking about two people who claim to love each other, who commit to each other, create a home, have children, make a life and then...the love is replaced by some real or imagined hurt, then anger, followed by resentment, followed by hatred.
So my question is...Was it ever really love in the first place? Was it a love grounded in faith, selflessness and sacrificial giving of one's self to another simply because you truly loved them, and by truly loving the other person, you put their needs and their happiness ahead of your own because you loved them so much their happiness was more important to you than your own?
I Corinthians 13:
1. If I can speak in the tongues of men and even of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or clanging cymbal.
2. And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the devine will and purpose), and understand all knowledge, and if I have (sufficient) faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).
3. Even if I dole out all that I have (to the poor in providing) food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.
4. Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over in jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on it's own rights or it's own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong).
6. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening).
8. Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end)...{Prophecy will be fulfilled and pass away; tongues will be destroyed and cease; knowledge will pass away}...
13. And so faith, hope, love abide....But the greatest of these is LOVE.
[Amplified Bible]
THIS is LOVE! THIS is REAL love! Anything else is lust, narcissism, obsession or manipulation!
When you meet a special person and you 'fall' in love with them, or maybe you become friends and eventually grow to love them, what kind of love do you have?
Is it a self-serving kind of love, where you feel a strong tie and commitment to them because they flatter you with compliments and shower you with gifts? Does that love diminish and fade if the compliments cease and the gifts no longer arrive?
Is it a selfish love where you feel strongly for the person because of how they make YOU feel, what they do for YOU, how they make YOU look to others? Does this love die when you no longer feel satisfied in the relationship, when you no longer feel the other person is doing enough for you and for whatever reason the other person no longer causes you to look good in front of others?
Are these examples of REAL love?
(I'm not talking about abusive situations where one person causes danger to another person and the only means of safety is to flee the situation. So let's not even go there because that's a completely different topic.)
I'm talking about two people who claim to love each other, who commit to each other, create a home, have children, make a life and then...the love is replaced by some real or imagined hurt, then anger, followed by resentment, followed by hatred.
So my question is...Was it ever really love in the first place? Was it a love grounded in faith, selflessness and sacrificial giving of one's self to another simply because you truly loved them, and by truly loving the other person, you put their needs and their happiness ahead of your own because you loved them so much their happiness was more important to you than your own?
I Corinthians 13:
1. If I can speak in the tongues of men and even of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or clanging cymbal.
2. And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the devine will and purpose), and understand all knowledge, and if I have (sufficient) faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).
3. Even if I dole out all that I have (to the poor in providing) food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.
4. Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over in jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on it's own rights or it's own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong).
6. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening).
8. Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end)...{Prophecy will be fulfilled and pass away; tongues will be destroyed and cease; knowledge will pass away}...
13. And so faith, hope, love abide....But the greatest of these is LOVE.
[Amplified Bible]
THIS is LOVE! THIS is REAL love! Anything else is lust, narcissism, obsession or manipulation!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Finally...Yesterday is over!
June 22nd...a very emotional day for me.
June 22nd, 1982 I gave birth to my first child. I loved that baby like nothing else. Made many mistakes, but I tried. On December 25th, 2008 he stopped talking to me. I've not heard another word form him since that day. I went on to adopt his firstborn child who I had been caring for & had full custody of since the child was three. I look at this child, my third son now, and I see and I hear my first born many times. But on June 22nd, I remember that tiny sweet baby and I wonder what I could have done differently to keep him still loving me.
June 22nd, 1985, my son's 3rd birthday, a young man that I loved with all my heart was murdered. Our relationship had been troubled and wracked with interference, but we cared greatly for each other and exactly one week before his death he told me that we would be together. I laughed and told him, "Never. Not in a million years will I go back to you." His last words to me were, "Yes you will. I promise it. You just wait and see." News of his death that afternoon hit me harder than anything I've ever experienced, before or since. For weeks I merely existed.
This date has caused me pain for too many years, and then last year, I forgot it until a few hours before it was over. Of course, I was filled with guilt...
This year? I decided to work my ass off and keep myself busy, and that is exactly what I did! I did yard work, I did laundry, I rearranged my pantry, I cleaned out my dresser drawers, I installed a new door knob, I scrubbed the kitchen counters, I rearranged the contents of the freezers and I carried two huge garbage bags out to the dumpster.
My body is screaming, "ENOUGH!", but thankfully, yesterday has ended and I didn't shed a single tear! I can handle the physical pain and it is good.
Life is about living and loving, and it's also about loosing and pain. But sometimes it is necessary to keep your physical self so busy that your emotional self can't get a word in.
I'm glad yesterday is now over. I've got too many good and happy things to do and think about. I just don't have time to sit down and cry right now.
June 22nd, 1982 I gave birth to my first child. I loved that baby like nothing else. Made many mistakes, but I tried. On December 25th, 2008 he stopped talking to me. I've not heard another word form him since that day. I went on to adopt his firstborn child who I had been caring for & had full custody of since the child was three. I look at this child, my third son now, and I see and I hear my first born many times. But on June 22nd, I remember that tiny sweet baby and I wonder what I could have done differently to keep him still loving me.
June 22nd, 1985, my son's 3rd birthday, a young man that I loved with all my heart was murdered. Our relationship had been troubled and wracked with interference, but we cared greatly for each other and exactly one week before his death he told me that we would be together. I laughed and told him, "Never. Not in a million years will I go back to you." His last words to me were, "Yes you will. I promise it. You just wait and see." News of his death that afternoon hit me harder than anything I've ever experienced, before or since. For weeks I merely existed.
This date has caused me pain for too many years, and then last year, I forgot it until a few hours before it was over. Of course, I was filled with guilt...
This year? I decided to work my ass off and keep myself busy, and that is exactly what I did! I did yard work, I did laundry, I rearranged my pantry, I cleaned out my dresser drawers, I installed a new door knob, I scrubbed the kitchen counters, I rearranged the contents of the freezers and I carried two huge garbage bags out to the dumpster.
My body is screaming, "ENOUGH!", but thankfully, yesterday has ended and I didn't shed a single tear! I can handle the physical pain and it is good.
Life is about living and loving, and it's also about loosing and pain. But sometimes it is necessary to keep your physical self so busy that your emotional self can't get a word in.
I'm glad yesterday is now over. I've got too many good and happy things to do and think about. I just don't have time to sit down and cry right now.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Happy 50th Birthday To Me!
Happy 50th Birthday to me! Yes, I will celebrate it...I will brag about it...I will embrace it...and I will be grateful for it!
50 years...And I've seen a lot.
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 5. It was a completely personal and private thing that no one but my Savior and I were privy to. And it was a good thing because I would certainly come to need the Hand of Jesus in my life.
A childhood where abuse was present on more occasions than I'd like to remember.
Adolescence evolved into me hating myself because of the unchecked abuse and the constant bullying I suffered at school.
Teen years led me to rebel and exhibit self destructive habits and eventually a suicide attempt. Had it not been for a supernatural presence and a quiet voice speaking into my ear, I would not be here today!
The loss of a high school friend.
The most heinous of betrayals by another high school friend.
Escaping home the only way I knew how.
My first child 2 weeks past my 19th birthday.
Leaving, and then divorcing my abusive 1rst husband a couple of days before my 21rst birthday.
Meeting & falling in love for the very first time a few months later.
A volatile relationship which ended suddenly and resulted in the loss of my 2nd child and initiated my 2nd suicide attempt. 10 months of playing cat & mouse with the one I loved which ended only with his murder...on the 3rd birthday of my first child & inadvertently led to my having an emotional 'breakdown'.
More familial abuse followed for the next 2 years, as well as the birth of my 3rd child, 2nd son. It was during this time that Jesus and my faith in God saw me through many a dark and lonely day & night! I surrendered myself to Christ during this time and He saw me through. He eventually led me to my present, REAL husband...My savior in human form!
The next few years produced our daughter, my fourth child...as well as a lot of hell. Marriage wasn't easy...I had my 'baggage' and he had his, plus the familial rumor mill ran rampart...and to this day there are those who still cling to the old lies and bullshit.
I went through major depression. I considered suicide more times than I will admit. But I somehow made it through those years, doing the best I knew how to do with very little support or help from anyone save God.
And then one day, a couple months after my 38th birthday, I became a grandmother! I had been born to be a grandma! I loved that child even before he was born, and after his birth, I was the only person who he ever bonded with. Things were bad in his little life and I found myself in the toughest battle of my life!
Maybe it was because I had been abused myself...I just don't know...but I knew he was suffering from abuse and I fought harder, louder and without regret or remorse. Sadly, I was right and I gained custody of this child, and later adopted him.
But it hasn't been without sacrifices. I lost my oldest son because I refused to abandon my grandchild, HIS biological child. I lost my granddaughter, my grandson's half sister because of my son's hatred.
My life was threatened repeatedly and for 4 solid years we lived in fear. We ended up selling our farm, our beautiful 100 year old house, my lush gardens, my beloved horses and my chickens...just to get away from the constant fear AND the financial stress the attorney fees had placed on us. It was hard on all of us, and I still miss that place and my horses, but the peace & safety we have found truly makes up for all of it.
But my health suffered...I developed high blood pressure, low blood sugar and added a total of 70 pounds! My stress level has been through the roof because my now adopted son can be a handful: Partly because since we sold our farm, my husband has had to work away from home and I suddenly become a 'single parent' due to the necessity of a pay check, and partly because my son suffers from ADD & impulsive behavior caused by a neurological disorder, thanks to his meth addict egg donor.
But somehow I managed to not have a stroke or heart attack, and in the last three months I've lost almost 30 pounds. Also, from about the age of 40 and my premature completion of menopause, the deep depression went away. I learned how to pray scriptures over my life and I learned how to love me, for me. I learned how to speak up and out for myself and those I love. I stopped being so afraid of offending others at the price of my own feelings and beliefs. I learned that I am okay, maybe not everyone's 'cup of tea', but just right for those who know me and love me.
My marriage also improved greatly over the past 12 years, as did my own self image. My husband is now my best friend and partner in all things, not just 'marriage'.
And so, here I am...50 years old. Wife to one man for going on 26 years. Mother to four living children. Grandmother to 4. Friend to just a few, but quality will always be more important to me than quality!
I am loved by some, hated by many, and even feared by a few who have felt my wrath!
And I am okay with that. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for injustices done to those I love, and I don't give up or give in.
And I fight for my God, my beliefs, my faith because without those three things, I would not be here now.
I am grateful to God for yet another year gone and another day ahead of me.
My paternal grandmother died in her sleep 3 months after her 50th birthday. My maternal grandmother died a few months after her 90th birthday. I pray for 40 more years to see my children, my grandchildren and my great grandchildren. But if God gives me just one more day, then I am grateful.
This life has been eventful, to say the least. It has never been easy and rarely without drama, but it is MY life and I've lived it the best I knew how. Despite all of the pain and ugliness I've lived through, it's been a good 50 years...I am BLESSED beyond measure and my cup most certainly runneth over!
Thank you, Jesus, for saving my soul and saving my life. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me what you said you would that night when I was 15 years old and on the brink of death after I had swallowed that bottle of pills. Those children are beautiful, wonderful children, this man has turned out to be the love of my life and these grandkids are truly gifts from Heaven above!
My hope remains in YOU, Father in Heaven. You are the most wonderful thing that my life has ever experienced!
Happy 50th Birthday to me, Jennifer Diane, born in the afternoon of June 1rst, 1963 at Cleveland Hospital, Cleveland, Texas!
50 years...And I've seen a lot.
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 5. It was a completely personal and private thing that no one but my Savior and I were privy to. And it was a good thing because I would certainly come to need the Hand of Jesus in my life.
A childhood where abuse was present on more occasions than I'd like to remember.
Adolescence evolved into me hating myself because of the unchecked abuse and the constant bullying I suffered at school.
Teen years led me to rebel and exhibit self destructive habits and eventually a suicide attempt. Had it not been for a supernatural presence and a quiet voice speaking into my ear, I would not be here today!
The loss of a high school friend.
The most heinous of betrayals by another high school friend.
Escaping home the only way I knew how.
My first child 2 weeks past my 19th birthday.
Leaving, and then divorcing my abusive 1rst husband a couple of days before my 21rst birthday.
Meeting & falling in love for the very first time a few months later.
A volatile relationship which ended suddenly and resulted in the loss of my 2nd child and initiated my 2nd suicide attempt. 10 months of playing cat & mouse with the one I loved which ended only with his murder...on the 3rd birthday of my first child & inadvertently led to my having an emotional 'breakdown'.
More familial abuse followed for the next 2 years, as well as the birth of my 3rd child, 2nd son. It was during this time that Jesus and my faith in God saw me through many a dark and lonely day & night! I surrendered myself to Christ during this time and He saw me through. He eventually led me to my present, REAL husband...My savior in human form!
The next few years produced our daughter, my fourth child...as well as a lot of hell. Marriage wasn't easy...I had my 'baggage' and he had his, plus the familial rumor mill ran rampart...and to this day there are those who still cling to the old lies and bullshit.
I went through major depression. I considered suicide more times than I will admit. But I somehow made it through those years, doing the best I knew how to do with very little support or help from anyone save God.
And then one day, a couple months after my 38th birthday, I became a grandmother! I had been born to be a grandma! I loved that child even before he was born, and after his birth, I was the only person who he ever bonded with. Things were bad in his little life and I found myself in the toughest battle of my life!
Maybe it was because I had been abused myself...I just don't know...but I knew he was suffering from abuse and I fought harder, louder and without regret or remorse. Sadly, I was right and I gained custody of this child, and later adopted him.
But it hasn't been without sacrifices. I lost my oldest son because I refused to abandon my grandchild, HIS biological child. I lost my granddaughter, my grandson's half sister because of my son's hatred.
My life was threatened repeatedly and for 4 solid years we lived in fear. We ended up selling our farm, our beautiful 100 year old house, my lush gardens, my beloved horses and my chickens...just to get away from the constant fear AND the financial stress the attorney fees had placed on us. It was hard on all of us, and I still miss that place and my horses, but the peace & safety we have found truly makes up for all of it.
But my health suffered...I developed high blood pressure, low blood sugar and added a total of 70 pounds! My stress level has been through the roof because my now adopted son can be a handful: Partly because since we sold our farm, my husband has had to work away from home and I suddenly become a 'single parent' due to the necessity of a pay check, and partly because my son suffers from ADD & impulsive behavior caused by a neurological disorder, thanks to his meth addict egg donor.
But somehow I managed to not have a stroke or heart attack, and in the last three months I've lost almost 30 pounds. Also, from about the age of 40 and my premature completion of menopause, the deep depression went away. I learned how to pray scriptures over my life and I learned how to love me, for me. I learned how to speak up and out for myself and those I love. I stopped being so afraid of offending others at the price of my own feelings and beliefs. I learned that I am okay, maybe not everyone's 'cup of tea', but just right for those who know me and love me.
My marriage also improved greatly over the past 12 years, as did my own self image. My husband is now my best friend and partner in all things, not just 'marriage'.
And so, here I am...50 years old. Wife to one man for going on 26 years. Mother to four living children. Grandmother to 4. Friend to just a few, but quality will always be more important to me than quality!
I am loved by some, hated by many, and even feared by a few who have felt my wrath!
And I am okay with that. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for injustices done to those I love, and I don't give up or give in.
And I fight for my God, my beliefs, my faith because without those three things, I would not be here now.
I am grateful to God for yet another year gone and another day ahead of me.
My paternal grandmother died in her sleep 3 months after her 50th birthday. My maternal grandmother died a few months after her 90th birthday. I pray for 40 more years to see my children, my grandchildren and my great grandchildren. But if God gives me just one more day, then I am grateful.
This life has been eventful, to say the least. It has never been easy and rarely without drama, but it is MY life and I've lived it the best I knew how. Despite all of the pain and ugliness I've lived through, it's been a good 50 years...I am BLESSED beyond measure and my cup most certainly runneth over!
Thank you, Jesus, for saving my soul and saving my life. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me what you said you would that night when I was 15 years old and on the brink of death after I had swallowed that bottle of pills. Those children are beautiful, wonderful children, this man has turned out to be the love of my life and these grandkids are truly gifts from Heaven above!
My hope remains in YOU, Father in Heaven. You are the most wonderful thing that my life has ever experienced!
Happy 50th Birthday to me, Jennifer Diane, born in the afternoon of June 1rst, 1963 at Cleveland Hospital, Cleveland, Texas!
I wasn't depressed...until now!
I had originally planned on heading out of town and state today to go spend my 50th birthday with my husband. I was excited about it...I would be in a real town with shopping and dining, and could actually CELEBRATE the arrival of my 50th year on this earth!
But, the dog got bitten by a rattlesnake on Monday and until this coming Tuesday, I have to give her meds 2x a day.
Well, I thought, 'Okay. I can just drive 120+ miles one way to Del Rio on Friday and spend the day doing a little shopping, get my hair trimmed, eat out, buy myself a birthday cake and then drive 120+ miles back home, and THAT would be sort of okay. Next Friday, (payday), I could head out to see my husband and spend a week, coming back home around the 15th.
But...yesterday...I received this little post card in the mail reminding me that on June 10th, Vacation Bible School begins...and it is the ONLY vacation bible school this town has, and my child dearly LOVES to go.
Well, CRAP!!! DOUBLE crap!!!
Not enough money to go to Del Rio today and still head out of town & state on Tuesday. It's either one or the other, but can not do both. Even if I could do both, my lower back has been hurting me since last night and I am driving NOWHERE far today.
Therefore, I will spend my 50th birthday sitting on my fat ass at home, probably right here at this computer, doing nothing but dipping snuff, drinking coffee and feeling sorry for myself. I will not even have a birthday cake, and that makes me saddest of all! I mean, I never get birthday gifts, but I ALWAYS have had a cake...Until now.
Silly?
Probably.
But tomorrow is my 50th birthday and this is my freaking life! I can be silly if I damned well want to be and the whole world can just kiss my ass!
I just hope that maybe one of these 2 little bitty stores left has a cake mix & frosting...(The other 2 stores don't...I checked yesterday.) It won't make it better, but the bad won't be so bad...unless they don't have chocolate...If they don't have chocolate, then I will have no hope. No hope whatsoever of arising from the pits of depression...
But, the dog got bitten by a rattlesnake on Monday and until this coming Tuesday, I have to give her meds 2x a day.
Well, I thought, 'Okay. I can just drive 120+ miles one way to Del Rio on Friday and spend the day doing a little shopping, get my hair trimmed, eat out, buy myself a birthday cake and then drive 120+ miles back home, and THAT would be sort of okay. Next Friday, (payday), I could head out to see my husband and spend a week, coming back home around the 15th.
But...yesterday...I received this little post card in the mail reminding me that on June 10th, Vacation Bible School begins...and it is the ONLY vacation bible school this town has, and my child dearly LOVES to go.
Well, CRAP!!! DOUBLE crap!!!
Not enough money to go to Del Rio today and still head out of town & state on Tuesday. It's either one or the other, but can not do both. Even if I could do both, my lower back has been hurting me since last night and I am driving NOWHERE far today.
Therefore, I will spend my 50th birthday sitting on my fat ass at home, probably right here at this computer, doing nothing but dipping snuff, drinking coffee and feeling sorry for myself. I will not even have a birthday cake, and that makes me saddest of all! I mean, I never get birthday gifts, but I ALWAYS have had a cake...Until now.
Silly?
Probably.
But tomorrow is my 50th birthday and this is my freaking life! I can be silly if I damned well want to be and the whole world can just kiss my ass!
I just hope that maybe one of these 2 little bitty stores left has a cake mix & frosting...(The other 2 stores don't...I checked yesterday.) It won't make it better, but the bad won't be so bad...unless they don't have chocolate...If they don't have chocolate, then I will have no hope. No hope whatsoever of arising from the pits of depression...
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
One of the Unsatisfied (Lacy J. Dalton)
Few songs better describe me and how I feel deep inside...This one is one of those few!
There's a river of sorrow that mankind has cried
It runs like a torrent and blends with the tide
But I am not content with the peace that's prophesied
For alas I am one of the unsatisfied
Now the willow can bend and the moon she can hide
But the oak tree will stand til it breaks from its pride
And I may look unbroken but deep down inside
Alas I am one of the unsatisfied
And we walk among our brothers
With a strange and faraway look in our eyes
And we often play the clown to hide the fact
That something deep within us cries
Lord and some of us are poets
Some dream until they die
Til we're one with the spirit we're unsatisfied
Now the north wind is my lover, he's always at my side
And the hawk's my little sister screaming at the sky
Afraid of God and naked, stripped of all our pride
Til we're one with the spirit we're unsatisfied
Til we're on with the spirit we're unsatisfied
There's a river of sorrow that mankind has cried
It runs like a torrent and blends with the tide
But I am not content with the peace that's prophesied
For alas I am one of the unsatisfied
Now the willow can bend and the moon she can hide
But the oak tree will stand til it breaks from its pride
And I may look unbroken but deep down inside
Alas I am one of the unsatisfied
And we walk among our brothers
With a strange and faraway look in our eyes
And we often play the clown to hide the fact
That something deep within us cries
Lord and some of us are poets
Some dream until they die
Til we're one with the spirit we're unsatisfied
Now the north wind is my lover, he's always at my side
And the hawk's my little sister screaming at the sky
Afraid of God and naked, stripped of all our pride
Til we're one with the spirit we're unsatisfied
Til we're on with the spirit we're unsatisfied
Saturday, April 20, 2013
That 'mean old eyed' teacher...
Driving through the residential streets of our town today, my son suddenly slid down in the seat, as far as he could go, and covered his head with his hands and arms. I asked him what he was doing and he told me to "Just keep driving, Mom, and tell me when she's past us!"
I looked up to discover that the vehicle I was meeting was being driven by my son's former teacher. A teacher, I might add, that I am currently in a sort of battle with over her professional negligence and the reason I now home school my child.
As she passed, she grinned & pointed her finger at me, while I replied to her in sign language!
I told my son that the witch had passed and he asked, "Are you sure?", as he cautiously removed his hands from his head and raised back up in the seat.
I was a uncomfortable with his reaction, but upon asking him to elaborate on his nervousness and fear, he only said, "She doesn't like me."
I asked him if it was because of me and he shook his head quickly, responding that she disliked him before I started disliking her.
I told him that had he told me this months before, I would have pulled him out of school a lot sooner. Then he said, "You would't have believed me. No one ever believes anything bad about her."
I said, "Yeah they do. But she scares people and very few people have the guts to stand up to her."
And then he grinned at me. It was the cutest, sweetest, most blessed grin I've been blessed to see in a while, and he replied, "But my momma's got guts and she's not scared of her."
I almost teared up and said, "No, I am not scared of her. In fact, I think we need to drive around town until we find her so we can roll down the windows and call her names."
His eyes got real big, he shook his head and said, "Take me home first! I don't want that woman looking at me with them mean old eyes of her's."
I laughed. I laughed hard...
But later this evening, as I thought about it all, I can't help but wonder...What kind of teacher evokes that much fear into her students to the point that they do not feel that they can even confide in their parents? A fear that causes a child to melt into the floorboard of a vehicle when he sees her driving through town?
This woman looked me in the face back in January and sweetly praised my son, told me how wonderful he was, how much he was improving and getting along with everyone in the classroom. She told me what a happy boy he had become...when in all actuality he had become withdrawn, sad, unhappy, depressed, angry and hopeless. Furthermore, his grades had declined in all subjects, one in particular to a single digit. Yet she told me to not worry about that single digit grade. She said it wasn't important!
Evil. That's the only word I can find to describe her. EVIL!
I'm glad I removed my child from her class. I regret not doing it sooner because I allowed him to have to be subject to her 'mean old eyes' on a daily basis!
The funniest thing? Her eyes really are beautiful...But then, so is snakeskin when it's on a pair of cowboy boots!!!
I looked up to discover that the vehicle I was meeting was being driven by my son's former teacher. A teacher, I might add, that I am currently in a sort of battle with over her professional negligence and the reason I now home school my child.
As she passed, she grinned & pointed her finger at me, while I replied to her in sign language!
I told my son that the witch had passed and he asked, "Are you sure?", as he cautiously removed his hands from his head and raised back up in the seat.
I was a uncomfortable with his reaction, but upon asking him to elaborate on his nervousness and fear, he only said, "She doesn't like me."
I asked him if it was because of me and he shook his head quickly, responding that she disliked him before I started disliking her.
I told him that had he told me this months before, I would have pulled him out of school a lot sooner. Then he said, "You would't have believed me. No one ever believes anything bad about her."
I said, "Yeah they do. But she scares people and very few people have the guts to stand up to her."
And then he grinned at me. It was the cutest, sweetest, most blessed grin I've been blessed to see in a while, and he replied, "But my momma's got guts and she's not scared of her."
I almost teared up and said, "No, I am not scared of her. In fact, I think we need to drive around town until we find her so we can roll down the windows and call her names."
His eyes got real big, he shook his head and said, "Take me home first! I don't want that woman looking at me with them mean old eyes of her's."
I laughed. I laughed hard...
But later this evening, as I thought about it all, I can't help but wonder...What kind of teacher evokes that much fear into her students to the point that they do not feel that they can even confide in their parents? A fear that causes a child to melt into the floorboard of a vehicle when he sees her driving through town?
This woman looked me in the face back in January and sweetly praised my son, told me how wonderful he was, how much he was improving and getting along with everyone in the classroom. She told me what a happy boy he had become...when in all actuality he had become withdrawn, sad, unhappy, depressed, angry and hopeless. Furthermore, his grades had declined in all subjects, one in particular to a single digit. Yet she told me to not worry about that single digit grade. She said it wasn't important!
Evil. That's the only word I can find to describe her. EVIL!
I'm glad I removed my child from her class. I regret not doing it sooner because I allowed him to have to be subject to her 'mean old eyes' on a daily basis!
The funniest thing? Her eyes really are beautiful...But then, so is snakeskin when it's on a pair of cowboy boots!!!
Friday, April 19, 2013
A silent cry of a Loner...
There are times when I feel so utterly alone; so completely abandoned. Lately, this seems to be my existence.
Family and friends leave you, no matter the reason, and it feels as if you were on stage and everyone left the building, the lights were turned out and you are alone, locked inside with nothing to accompany you but yourself and the darkness.
Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my solitude from time to time, but not constantly. Not habitually.
Just the knowledge that someone is in the next room sleeping as I write late at night is enough. Yet take that away and feel lost.
It would be nice to know that you were important enough to be remembered. It is devastating to realize that you aren't.
You make an effort and reach out to others in hopes of avoiding the loneliness and despair, only to alienate yourself simply by being yourself.
I hope that before I die I find both rhyme and reason to this insanity we call life, and understand it all. Then, perhaps, I can find joy and comfort in being a loner; a person who is no one's favorite anything.
Family and friends leave you, no matter the reason, and it feels as if you were on stage and everyone left the building, the lights were turned out and you are alone, locked inside with nothing to accompany you but yourself and the darkness.
Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my solitude from time to time, but not constantly. Not habitually.
Just the knowledge that someone is in the next room sleeping as I write late at night is enough. Yet take that away and feel lost.
It would be nice to know that you were important enough to be remembered. It is devastating to realize that you aren't.
You make an effort and reach out to others in hopes of avoiding the loneliness and despair, only to alienate yourself simply by being yourself.
I hope that before I die I find both rhyme and reason to this insanity we call life, and understand it all. Then, perhaps, I can find joy and comfort in being a loner; a person who is no one's favorite anything.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Wilderness...
I have wandered many places in my life, and I am sure that, God willing, I will wander many more places before I leave this earth. I once believed that the wandering was all about the destination. But, as I grow older and find myself disillusioned time after time upon reaching the destinations, I have arrived at the conclusion that the wandering is simply about the wandering!
Time after blessed time I have arrived at the destination only to discover that it was nothing like I had dreamed it would be. I would then go through a period of heartbreak and depression, blaming myself for being so naive and stupid, and praying to God to forgive my foolishness and rescue me quickly from my demise. It didn't help when family and friends would say words that further reprimanded me, speak unkindly behind my back and shake their heads as if to say, "That foolish, stupid woman has done it again!" And I would think, "Do they really think that I am so simpleminded, so intellectually lacking that I had not, have not, already discovered my folly?"
Then late one recent night another thought occurred to me...Perhaps what myself and others have perceived as 'foolishness, stupidity & folly' might actually be 'fearlessness, courage & bravery'!
To step outside of one's comfort zone, to step away from the boring 'normal', to follow a dream simply because you can, (even if that dream evaporates moments before fruition), to see new places, meet new people, fulfill desires from deep within your own heart that no one, (maybe not even yourself), truly understands...THAT, my Friend, is akin to genius!
So, I am learning. I am beginning to 'get' it. It is NOT about the destination. The destination ONLY provides a compass point; a direction that allows me to remain focused and keeps me from getting lost in the wilderness. It allows my wanderings to not become aimless or without end, and it allows me the benefit of keeping track of which journey I might be on at any given time.
It IS, however, all about the WANDERING, the JOURNEY within itself! And in this, I actually have found my true comfort zone...Stepping away from the boring 'normal' and immersing myself in the wandering...THAT is the dream, and it is a GOOD dream to have, a great life to live!
This is MY life...and I am happily...Wandering in a Wilderness!
Time after blessed time I have arrived at the destination only to discover that it was nothing like I had dreamed it would be. I would then go through a period of heartbreak and depression, blaming myself for being so naive and stupid, and praying to God to forgive my foolishness and rescue me quickly from my demise. It didn't help when family and friends would say words that further reprimanded me, speak unkindly behind my back and shake their heads as if to say, "That foolish, stupid woman has done it again!" And I would think, "Do they really think that I am so simpleminded, so intellectually lacking that I had not, have not, already discovered my folly?"
Then late one recent night another thought occurred to me...Perhaps what myself and others have perceived as 'foolishness, stupidity & folly' might actually be 'fearlessness, courage & bravery'!
To step outside of one's comfort zone, to step away from the boring 'normal', to follow a dream simply because you can, (even if that dream evaporates moments before fruition), to see new places, meet new people, fulfill desires from deep within your own heart that no one, (maybe not even yourself), truly understands...THAT, my Friend, is akin to genius!
So, I am learning. I am beginning to 'get' it. It is NOT about the destination. The destination ONLY provides a compass point; a direction that allows me to remain focused and keeps me from getting lost in the wilderness. It allows my wanderings to not become aimless or without end, and it allows me the benefit of keeping track of which journey I might be on at any given time.
It IS, however, all about the WANDERING, the JOURNEY within itself! And in this, I actually have found my true comfort zone...Stepping away from the boring 'normal' and immersing myself in the wandering...THAT is the dream, and it is a GOOD dream to have, a great life to live!
This is MY life...and I am happily...Wandering in a Wilderness!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Where do I go from here?
In a couple of months, approximately 87 days, I will celebrate my 50th birthday. It doesn't bother me to admit this. It is however, a strange and peculiar feeling to look back over my life and realize...almost 50 years have gone by in the blink of an eye!
I can still vividly recall playing in the dirt with my little brother as we corralled pill-bugs and made houses out of pebbles and sand. He was about 2 and I was about 4...I can still smell the trees and feel the dirt between my little toes.
50 years...just doesn't seem possible, and yet, it is.
I chased a dream from the time I was 8 or 9 until a year ago when I caught that dream and made it my reality.
I fear that the chase might have been my driving force and not necessarily the attainment of the dream itself.
So...what do I do now?
Somehow I doubt that this old body has another 50 years left in it. Therefore, in light of how fast these past 50 years have flown by, it's a bit imperative that I figure out just what it is I want to do, to achieve, to accomplish with the remainder of my life that's left on this earth.
I'd write an autobiography if I thought a single soul would read it. But who wants to read about the life of an ordinary, boring, nobody of a woman who at times has made some mighty serious mistakes, shed many a tear and had enough heartbreak to last her two life times?
And so, I sit here trying to figure out what it is I need to do and how it is I am to get started doing those things once I figure out what they are.
Where do I go from here?
Come on, Father God! Give me a CLUE...PLEASE!
I can still vividly recall playing in the dirt with my little brother as we corralled pill-bugs and made houses out of pebbles and sand. He was about 2 and I was about 4...I can still smell the trees and feel the dirt between my little toes.
50 years...just doesn't seem possible, and yet, it is.
I chased a dream from the time I was 8 or 9 until a year ago when I caught that dream and made it my reality.
I fear that the chase might have been my driving force and not necessarily the attainment of the dream itself.
So...what do I do now?
Somehow I doubt that this old body has another 50 years left in it. Therefore, in light of how fast these past 50 years have flown by, it's a bit imperative that I figure out just what it is I want to do, to achieve, to accomplish with the remainder of my life that's left on this earth.
I'd write an autobiography if I thought a single soul would read it. But who wants to read about the life of an ordinary, boring, nobody of a woman who at times has made some mighty serious mistakes, shed many a tear and had enough heartbreak to last her two life times?
And so, I sit here trying to figure out what it is I need to do and how it is I am to get started doing those things once I figure out what they are.
Where do I go from here?
Come on, Father God! Give me a CLUE...PLEASE!
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