That 'mean old eyed' teacher...

Driving through the residential streets of our town today, my son suddenly slid down in the seat, as far as he could go, and covered his head with his hands and arms. I asked him what he was doing and he told me to "Just keep driving, Mom, and tell me when she's past us!"
I looked up to discover that the vehicle I was meeting was being driven by my son's former teacher. A teacher, I might add, that I am currently in a sort of battle with over her professional negligence and the reason I now home school my child.
As she passed, she grinned & pointed her finger at me, while I replied to her in sign language!
I told my son that the witch had passed and he asked, "Are you sure?", as he cautiously removed his hands from his head and raised back up in the seat.
I was a uncomfortable with his reaction, but upon asking him to elaborate on his nervousness and fear, he only said, "She doesn't like me."
I asked him if it was because of me and he shook his head quickly, responding that she disliked him before I started disliking her.
I told him that had he told me this months before, I would have pulled him out of school a lot sooner. Then he said, "You would't have believed me. No one ever believes anything bad about her."
I said, "Yeah they do. But she scares people and very few people have the guts to stand up to her." 
And then he grinned at me. It was the cutest, sweetest, most blessed grin I've been blessed to see in a while, and he replied, "But my momma's got guts and she's not scared of her."
I almost teared up and said, "No, I am not scared of her. In fact, I think we need to drive around town until we find her so we can roll down the windows and call her names."
His eyes got real big, he shook his head and said, "Take me home first! I don't want that woman looking at me with them mean old eyes of her's."
I laughed. I laughed hard...
But later this evening, as I thought about it all, I can't help but wonder...What kind of teacher evokes that much fear into her students to the point that they do not feel that they can even confide in their parents? A fear that causes a child to melt into the floorboard of a vehicle when he sees her driving through town? 
This woman looked me in the face back in January and sweetly praised my son, told me how wonderful he was, how much he was improving and getting along with everyone in the classroom. She told me what a happy boy he had become...when in all actuality he had become withdrawn, sad, unhappy, depressed, angry and hopeless. Furthermore, his grades had declined in all subjects, one in particular to a single digit. Yet she told me to not worry about that single digit grade. She said it wasn't important!
Evil. That's the only word I can find to describe her. EVIL!
I'm glad I removed my child from her class. I regret not doing it sooner because I allowed him to have to be subject to her 'mean old eyes' on a daily basis!
The funniest thing? Her eyes really are beautiful...But then, so is snakeskin when it's on a pair of cowboy boots!!!
            

A silent cry of a Loner...

There are times when I feel so utterly alone; so completely abandoned. Lately, this seems to be my existence.
Family and friends leave you, no matter the reason, and it feels as if you were on stage and everyone left the building, the lights were turned out and you are alone, locked inside with nothing to accompany you but yourself and the darkness.
Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my solitude from time to time, but not constantly. Not habitually. 
Just the knowledge that someone is in the next room sleeping as I write late at night is enough. Yet take that away and feel lost.
It would be nice to know that you were important enough to be remembered. It is devastating to realize that you aren't. 
You make an effort and reach out to others in hopes of avoiding the loneliness and despair, only to alienate yourself simply by being yourself.

I hope that before I die I find both rhyme and reason to this insanity we call life, and understand it all. Then, perhaps, I can find joy and comfort in being a loner; a person who is no one's favorite anything.

The Wilderness...

I have wandered many places in my life, and I am sure that, God willing, I will wander many more places before I leave this earth. I once believed that the wandering was all about the destination. But, as I grow older and find myself disillusioned time after time upon reaching the destinations, I have arrived at the conclusion that the wandering is simply about the wandering!

Time after blessed time I have arrived at the destination only to discover that it was nothing like I had dreamed it would be. I would then go through a period of heartbreak and depression, blaming myself for being so naive and stupid, and praying to God to forgive my foolishness and rescue me quickly from my demise. It didn't help when family and friends would say words that further reprimanded me, speak unkindly behind my back and shake their heads as if to say, "That foolish, stupid woman has done it again!" And I would think, "Do they really think that I am so simpleminded, so intellectually lacking that I had not, have not, already discovered my folly?"

Then late one recent night another thought occurred to me...Perhaps what myself and others have perceived as 'foolishness, stupidity & folly' might actually be 'fearlessness, courage & bravery'! 
To step outside of one's comfort zone, to step away from the boring 'normal', to follow a dream simply because you can, (even if that dream evaporates moments before fruition), to see new places, meet new people, fulfill desires from deep within your own heart that no one, (maybe not even yourself), truly understands...THAT, my Friend, is akin to genius!

So, I am learning. I am beginning to 'get' it. It is NOT about the destination. The destination ONLY provides a compass point; a direction that allows me to remain focused and keeps me from getting lost in the wilderness. It allows my wanderings to not become aimless or without end, and it allows me the benefit of keeping track of which journey I might be on at any given time. 
It IS, however, all about the WANDERING, the JOURNEY within itself! And in this, I actually have found my true comfort zone...Stepping away from the boring 'normal' and immersing myself in the wandering...THAT is the dream, and it is a GOOD dream to have, a great life to live!

This is MY life...and I am happily...Wandering in a Wilderness!