I was six and a half years old the first time I ever lost anyone close to me. I was not allowed to grieve as I should have been allowed to do, nor did a single person set down with me and explain anything. My little brother and I were sent away for a few days and on the way to where we were being sent, the relative in the front seat said, when I asked her for the 10th time why we were going to her house when I had school the next day, "Your grandmother died this morning. Do you know what die means?" I knew what die meant, but I didn't know which grandmother, so I asked in a shaky voice, "Grandmother or Nanny?" She said, "Oh, that's right. You called her Nanny. Now don't you cry because your Nanny has gone to live with Jesus and if you're a good little girl you'll see her again one day." Well, I didn't care where she had gone or who she'd gone to live with. She was my Nanny and I wanted her to stay in my world and be where I could see her, touch her, hear her, smell her and love her. And even though that relative ordered me not to cry, I sat in the back seat of that car and quietly cried from Splendora to Houston, and many times since over the next forty-four years.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her. So many things I needed her to tell me. But it was too late because early one March morning in 1970, just 3 months after her 50th birthday, she left this earth and moved up to Heaven.
Some years later, I would lose a young friend due to an accidental gunshot wound. Friday afternoon I watched him get off the school bus, but by Monday morning he was gone. He was 10.
The next year a 19 year old friend, who I had a 16 year old's crush on, drowned in the lake in front of his house. A few minutes before midnight we had stopped and talked on the road near his house. An hour later his body was found tangled up in trot lines in the lake. He had gone out in the boat alone to run the lines when he got tangled, was pulled overboard and drowned. He was a life guard & had won trophies on his high school swim team, and yet...He lost his life in the water he loved so dearly.
A year later a school friend, a young mother, died in an automobile accident over the Christmas Holidays. She was there one day, missing the next morning and found later that day. She was 18.
My first true love...Saw him just after midnight on June 15th, 1985. He teased me and got me riled and left laughing & grinning at me. One week later, June 22nd, 1985, in the wee hours of the morning, he was dead. He was 21.
I had a sweet, wonderful friend. He meant the world to me, but our paths would take different directions, though we will remain linked forever. Due to people and circumstances, I had no further contact with him, but at one point I did send him a message. I wasn't sure if he'd gotten that message for years later. And then, things changed and I reached out to him only to discover months later that he had passed away...at the age of 40. I soon found out that he had gotten my message and I was angry at him for not ever making contact. And then, last night I dreamed of him.
Not once before last night have I ever dreamed of this friend, and yet, from out of the blue he shows up in my dream...His same sweet, easy going, teasing me, self. He told me why he was there and when he saw my shocked expression he said, "It's not as if you told me." Then he laughed and said, "I'm just messing with you. I got the message and I've known all along." I asked, "Then why didn't you come around or say something?" He smiled sadly and shrugged, then said, "I thought I had enough time."
Suddenly my anger was replaced with sadness and understanding because I know exactly what he meant.
How many times do I postpone something because I think I will have enough time to do it or say it later? And how many people have I lost in my life who postponed saying and doing things because they thought they had enough time, only to realize in their final moments that they had no more time left? No time left to say all the things they should have said, done all the things they should have done, shown all the kindnesses and love that they should have shown? No time to left to live, period.
Some people accuse me of talking too much, writing too much, maybe even interacting too much on social media. They say that I should 'tone it down' and 'just shut up and be quiet'. They say that not everyone wants to hear or read everything I have to say and I am just an annoyance. I have even been told, "Just wait about saying anything. You can do it later."
But I say...What if I don't get a 'later'? What if this moment is all the time God is going to allow me to have? What if there is someone out there who needs to hear my words or read them? What if there is something that I have to say that touches someone, makes them laugh, makes them think, makes them realize just how important they are to me? And, what if I write or say something that actually helps someone, even if it is only causing them to smile during a very mean day?
My Nanny didn't get a 'later'. Neither did Ronnie, Kelly, Dan, William or Weldon. I am sure that each of them would tell their family & friends, "I thought I had enough time."
So, just in case I don't have enough time, let me say this now:
If you are reading this, thank you. I truly appreciate the time you've taken to read my words. I write as much for you as I do for me because without you as a reader there would be no words worth writing.
Tell those that you love that you do, and do it NOW. Stop postponing things. Just say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, show what needs to be shown, and do it immediately. Don't put it off until you are suddenly faced with the fact that there is no more time for you to say or do or show. Don't make it necessary for a ghost to come back to you while you sleep to say, "I thought I had enough time." to remind you that time is an uncertain gift and this very moment is all that you are assured.
May God bless you!
