There are some days when I feel so totally and completely lost. I'm feeling that now. A few days ago I freely gave up my then current goal and now I'm lost without one. A part of me wants to give up, though I know that feeling will eventually pass as I've yet to give up on anything and I'm never for too long without a goal.
But for now?
I just feel lost.
Everything around me keeps moving, yet I feel as if my world has stopped and I'm just sitting here; unnoticed, ignored, forgotten. Kinda makes me want to cry a bit, yet I know that'll do no more good than give me a splitting headache and since I already have one of those, I certainly can do without another!
Was I wrong to give up on my most current goal? No, I don't think so. There were too many unknowns, too many negative possibilities, too many certain uncertainties.
I know that faith requires we accept the unknowns and uncertainties in life, certain and knowing that our Heavenly Father will take care of us. However, I also know that our Heavenly Father expects us to use the brain He put inside our heads and sometimes, we must weigh the variables and decide if a thing is 'stepping out in Faith' or 'diving off into an empty pool of plumb stupid'!
Well, I didn't dive off into plumb stupid and I acted in Faith by giving up that goal. It was a wise decision and one that I doubt I will regret. Yet I am so empty and lost now and I am asking God, "What next?" because I don't know how to 'be still and wait upon The Lord'!
He knows that and I have no doubt this is why I am feeling what I'm feeling...But I don't like it! I don't like it one little bit!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
I've got too much living to do...
My paternal grandmother had her first stroke 6 months before her 50th birthday. It left her right side paralyzed, mostly her right arm and hand. I remember sitting at the table in her kitchen, massaging and working her lifeless fingers back and forth, stretching them as far as my little 6 year old hands could manage. Withing a few months, she was able to grasp a pen and cautiously sign her name, though it was both a struggle and a chore, and her penmanship was not anything like it had been.
December 5th, 1969, she turned 50 years old. We enjoyed her through Christmas and on weekends, just glad she was alive and being my 'Nanny'.
On a Sunday in early March, she told my mother that she'd had a dream. In the dream there were black women dressed in white and they were coming for her. Nanny believed that this symbolized and possibly forewarned of her death.
March 10th, 1970 she awoke and made Pappaw breakfast and then went back to bed for a little while, knowing she was to wake up in an hour or so to get my then 15 year old Aunt off to school.
My aunt woke up to the sound of the bus in the front of the house blowing the horn. She realzed that she'd overslept and knew something was wrong because Nanny, her mother, had never let anyone oversleep. She found her mother in bed, still warm. My precious Nanny was gone and the coroner ruled she'd had a massive stroke or heart attack while she slept.
She was 50 years and 3 months and 5 days old.
And now, at 48 years of age, I am battling hypertention, and it frightens me. I have way too much living left to do and do not think kindly on a death any earlier than my 80th year! I have to keep reminding myself that my maternal grandmother was also hypertensive and lived into her 90's, never suffering a single stroke. But the difference is, Nanny was a Type A personality, with Obsessive compulsive behavior and my maternal grandmother was a Type Z personality who was so mellow and laid back, had she ever smoked marijuana it would have rendered her comatose! Unfortunately for me, I am a Type A personality with OCD!!!
Oh, how I long to be laid back, easy going and so mellow that others think I've been smoking something!!!
I pray that God HELP me. I want to LIVE a LONG life. Get my youngest son raised to adulthood. Drive all my kids crazy by being the crazy old woman I've always promised them I'd be!
I've just got too much living to do to die so early...I ain't ready yet, and won't be for another 40 years!!!
December 5th, 1969, she turned 50 years old. We enjoyed her through Christmas and on weekends, just glad she was alive and being my 'Nanny'.
On a Sunday in early March, she told my mother that she'd had a dream. In the dream there were black women dressed in white and they were coming for her. Nanny believed that this symbolized and possibly forewarned of her death.
March 10th, 1970 she awoke and made Pappaw breakfast and then went back to bed for a little while, knowing she was to wake up in an hour or so to get my then 15 year old Aunt off to school.
My aunt woke up to the sound of the bus in the front of the house blowing the horn. She realzed that she'd overslept and knew something was wrong because Nanny, her mother, had never let anyone oversleep. She found her mother in bed, still warm. My precious Nanny was gone and the coroner ruled she'd had a massive stroke or heart attack while she slept.
She was 50 years and 3 months and 5 days old.
And now, at 48 years of age, I am battling hypertention, and it frightens me. I have way too much living left to do and do not think kindly on a death any earlier than my 80th year! I have to keep reminding myself that my maternal grandmother was also hypertensive and lived into her 90's, never suffering a single stroke. But the difference is, Nanny was a Type A personality, with Obsessive compulsive behavior and my maternal grandmother was a Type Z personality who was so mellow and laid back, had she ever smoked marijuana it would have rendered her comatose! Unfortunately for me, I am a Type A personality with OCD!!!
Oh, how I long to be laid back, easy going and so mellow that others think I've been smoking something!!!
I pray that God HELP me. I want to LIVE a LONG life. Get my youngest son raised to adulthood. Drive all my kids crazy by being the crazy old woman I've always promised them I'd be!
I've just got too much living to do to die so early...I ain't ready yet, and won't be for another 40 years!!!
Pieces of my journey...
As I wander through this life, I have observed many things. I have experieinced many things as well; some good, some bad and a few devastatingly horrible. I have been blessed, bruised and scarred, yet not handicapped to the point that I am incapable of seeing, feeling, touching, doing, moving. I have been made weak by misfortunes, given hope by resiliency and earned strength by the exercise of rising above and beyond those misfortunes. I have learned to appreciate the least of things and ended up finding these small things really are the best.
I yearn for simplicity; in both person and life. I long for the quietness for it both calms my mind and allows me to 'hear' my Father when He speaks.
I rail and rage against injustice and have often fought to the point that my physical health has suffered. Yet in the end, my fight has proven to be on the side of right, and though my number of enemies increases from time to time, I fear them not as their injustices are a plague and I know that they will eventually reap their just fruit.
I am, and will most likely remain, an enigma to most every person who knows me; A mystery they can not solve.
This bothers me not for I do not live, nor was I created, for man.
My purpose may very well be much more complicated that that!
For who are we to question our mighty God and the things that He alone has created?
Yet if I say that God hath called me to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ, there are numbers of those who would attempt to discount this, while offering their 'wisdom' in leading me in the 'right' direction, even if it was opposed to the direction God had set before me.
If I say that I am a prophetess, good 'Christian' people would attempt to rebuke the 'evil' spirit from me as well as explain to me 'exactly' what prophecy was, though all the while they had not a clue.
If I say that I have the gift of discernment, again, these good 'Christian' people feel it their duty to try and explain something they really do not understand, thereby creating confusion in a place that God had filled with HIS perfect peace.
Therefore, I remain silent and keep certain things to myself, away from the prying and critical eyes of others for I already know how they will react.
Yes, I am sensitive and easily hurt...and I am fearsome with the ability to cause much chaos. For every positive, there is a negative; for every negative, there is a positive. The problem lies in balancing the forces to a degree that one might benefit the world around them while keeping a strong hand on the destructive forces within and somehow finding peace with God in the midst of the constant war with self.
This life, thus far, has been a journey through a vast wilderness, and though there have been times when the journey has been discouraging, even frightening, I am learning to appreciate the least of things and enjoy the beauty of the smallest gems. While I've lived in many houses, I've yet to find my true home and I am beginning to believe that when I do find it, it will not be a part of this earth. I'm good with that!
So, until then...I will wander and I will learn and I will write...
I yearn for simplicity; in both person and life. I long for the quietness for it both calms my mind and allows me to 'hear' my Father when He speaks.
I rail and rage against injustice and have often fought to the point that my physical health has suffered. Yet in the end, my fight has proven to be on the side of right, and though my number of enemies increases from time to time, I fear them not as their injustices are a plague and I know that they will eventually reap their just fruit.
I am, and will most likely remain, an enigma to most every person who knows me; A mystery they can not solve.
This bothers me not for I do not live, nor was I created, for man.
My purpose may very well be much more complicated that that!
For who are we to question our mighty God and the things that He alone has created?
Yet if I say that God hath called me to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ, there are numbers of those who would attempt to discount this, while offering their 'wisdom' in leading me in the 'right' direction, even if it was opposed to the direction God had set before me.
If I say that I am a prophetess, good 'Christian' people would attempt to rebuke the 'evil' spirit from me as well as explain to me 'exactly' what prophecy was, though all the while they had not a clue.
If I say that I have the gift of discernment, again, these good 'Christian' people feel it their duty to try and explain something they really do not understand, thereby creating confusion in a place that God had filled with HIS perfect peace.
Therefore, I remain silent and keep certain things to myself, away from the prying and critical eyes of others for I already know how they will react.
Yes, I am sensitive and easily hurt...and I am fearsome with the ability to cause much chaos. For every positive, there is a negative; for every negative, there is a positive. The problem lies in balancing the forces to a degree that one might benefit the world around them while keeping a strong hand on the destructive forces within and somehow finding peace with God in the midst of the constant war with self.
This life, thus far, has been a journey through a vast wilderness, and though there have been times when the journey has been discouraging, even frightening, I am learning to appreciate the least of things and enjoy the beauty of the smallest gems. While I've lived in many houses, I've yet to find my true home and I am beginning to believe that when I do find it, it will not be a part of this earth. I'm good with that!
So, until then...I will wander and I will learn and I will write...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
In the Beginning...
In the beginning...exactly WHERE do I choose to begin???
Why don't I just get back to you on that one???
Why don't I just get back to you on that one???
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