June 22nd...a very emotional day for me.
June 22nd, 1982 I gave birth to my first child. I loved that baby like nothing else. Made many mistakes, but I tried. On December 25th, 2008 he stopped talking to me. I've not heard another word form him since that day. I went on to adopt his firstborn child who I had been caring for & had full custody of since the child was three. I look at this child, my third son now, and I see and I hear my first born many times. But on June 22nd, I remember that tiny sweet baby and I wonder what I could have done differently to keep him still loving me.
June 22nd, 1985, my son's 3rd birthday, a young man that I loved with all my heart was murdered. Our relationship had been troubled and wracked with interference, but we cared greatly for each other and exactly one week before his death he told me that we would be together. I laughed and told him, "Never. Not in a million years will I go back to you." His last words to me were, "Yes you will. I promise it. You just wait and see." News of his death that afternoon hit me harder than anything I've ever experienced, before or since. For weeks I merely existed.
This date has caused me pain for too many years, and then last year, I forgot it until a few hours before it was over. Of course, I was filled with guilt...
This year? I decided to work my ass off and keep myself busy, and that is exactly what I did! I did yard work, I did laundry, I rearranged my pantry, I cleaned out my dresser drawers, I installed a new door knob, I scrubbed the kitchen counters, I rearranged the contents of the freezers and I carried two huge garbage bags out to the dumpster.
My body is screaming, "ENOUGH!", but thankfully, yesterday has ended and I didn't shed a single tear! I can handle the physical pain and it is good.
Life is about living and loving, and it's also about loosing and pain. But sometimes it is necessary to keep your physical self so busy that your emotional self can't get a word in.
I'm glad yesterday is now over. I've got too many good and happy things to do and think about. I just don't have time to sit down and cry right now.
