Prayer in Open D

Prayer in Open D

 

Songwriter: (Emmylou Harris)

There's a valley of sorrow in my soul
Where every night I hear the thunder roll
Like the sound of a distant gun
Over all the damage I have done
And the shadows filling up this land
Are the ones I built with my own hand
There is no comfort from the cold
Of this valley of sorrow in my soul

There's a river of darkness in my blood
And through every vein I feel the flood
I can find no bridge for me to cross
No way to bring back what is lost
Into the night it soon will sweep
Down where all my grievances I keep
But it won't wash away the years
Or one single hard and bitter tear

And the rock of ages I have known
Is a weariness down in the bone
I use to ride it like a rolling stone
Now just carry it alone

There's a highway risin' from my dreams
Deep in the heart I know it gleams
For I have seen it stretching wide
Clear across to the other side
Beyond the river and the flood
And the valley where for so long I've stood
With the rock of ages in my bones
Someday I know it will lead me home...

Negative days...

Before I even get started, I know. I KNOW. I have so many things to be thankful for and I AM thankful for so many things. I'm healthy, have a roof over my head (that I own, free and clear), a good husband, wonderful kids and grand kids, food to eat, clothes to wear, and the list just goes on and on and on.
BUT!!!!!
Some mornings. Some days. Some moments.
I truly hate my life!
Not the people. Sometimes they aggravate me, but I never hate them...well, except for those four or five that I walked away from.
The things I hate are, well, the THINGS!
The bills, the problems, the annoyances, the dirt, the clutter, the lack of funds, the unfinished projects, the unfulfilled dreams, the knowledge that I will never have some of the material things I have wanted my whole life. 
Pretty shallow, Eh?
Yeah. So what. Sometimes we're all entitled to be a little human, even those of us who aren't driven by keeping up with the 'Tarkington Prairie Johnsons' and/or the 'Holier & Better Than Thou' extended members of our family. 
Sometimes it's okay to wake up and be human...and to just want to kick the cat, throw a wrench, slam a door and cuss the dog! Doesn't mean it's probably the RIGHT thing to do, but it is perfectly human and perfectly normal to sometimes WANT to expend a little frustration and say, "Sometimes this crap really PISSES ME OFF!"
And to hell with those super analytical people who question our angst and try to find some deep emotional issue that has led us to remove the mask that tells the world, 'We are GREAT! Everything is FINE! Life is PERFECT! It's ALL good!'
Life is life. Some days it's good and some days it SUCKS. EVERYONE has these days, though few will admit to it.
I am reminded that I don't have cancer, my house isn't up for repossession, my husband hasn't left me, I am not starving...when I bitch about the snake that bit my dog, the scorpions I find in my kitchen, the spider that watched me shower, being in the middle of nowhere without a vehicle...And while I am so very thankful that I don't have cancer, my house is mine, my husband still loves me (God bless that man!) and my freezer is full, I am human and I HATE snakes, and scorpions and spiders and the fact that out here it's pretty darned scary to be without a dependable ride!
So I sit here this morning and admit that I am tired. I am VERY tired of the crap. All of it. Every little bitty piece of it. 
I am tired of having to fight and raise hell to get anything done. I am tired of 2-faced people and back-biters, lazy moronic politicians, the communistic IRS, the idiots that control our schools, the hateful racism in our country. I am tired of family feuds and lines being drawn in the sand. I am tired of the little aggravations, the little annoyances and upheavals of life. 
I am just tired of everything being so damned hard and I am tired of some things getting worse instead of better, robbing me of hope and damaging my faith.
So, yeah. I woke up this morning and I am supposed to be thankful. I am, a little. 
I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next and if some things will ever change for the better because at this point, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing dimmer by the day!

July 12th, 2013

Another day down. Thanking God for another day, but glad it's over. 

I went to bed last night and prayed for an hour until I finally fell asleep. Logan had a friend over and they stayed up all night, except for a 2 hour nap, so my sleep was disturbed and I did not rest well. I woke up this morning, knowing what I needed to do...But I drank a cup of tea, ate my breakfast, took pictures of my Morning Glories and Bell Flowers while all the while second guessing myself and making excuse after excuse. I sent out a couple of texts asking for advice from family & friend, but then when I went on Facebook again, there she was. Another childish, 'look at poor pitiful me' post.
That was it. I had had enough. So, I blocked my mother from my Facebook and I hope and pray that I never have to see or speak to her again.

Perhaps I will find the strength to write my life story here. I've not written much before because I feared my mother. But I will no longer allow her to control or manipulate me by fear. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless if it is true or a complete lie. It's been this way my entire life, so it's not anything new to me to have my mother spread vindictive lies. 
But for now, I'll just sit back and breath a much needed sigh of relief. 

I'm 50 years old now and it's way past time for me to be getting on with my life and not have her drama to contend with.
But I do pray that God saves her soul and heals her mental illness, as well as the physical illness she's caused herself. 
I do not hate her, but I certainly do not like or trust her.

What is Love?

What is love? What is it REALLY? 
When you meet a special person and you 'fall' in love with them, or maybe you become friends and eventually grow to love them, what kind of love do you have?
Is it a self-serving kind of love, where you feel a strong tie and commitment to them because they flatter you with compliments and shower you with gifts? Does that love diminish and fade if the compliments cease and the gifts no longer arrive?
Is it a selfish love where you feel strongly for the person because of how they make YOU feel, what they do for YOU, how they make YOU look to others? Does this love die when you no longer feel satisfied in the relationship, when you no longer feel the other person is doing enough for you and for whatever reason the other person no longer causes you to look good in front of others?
Are these examples of REAL love?
(I'm not talking about abusive situations where one person causes danger to another person and the only means of safety is to flee the situation. So let's not even go there because that's a completely different topic.)
I'm talking about two people who claim to love each other, who commit to each other, create a home, have children, make a life and then...the love is replaced by some real or imagined hurt, then anger, followed by resentment, followed by hatred.
So my question is...Was it ever really love in the first place? Was it a love grounded in faith, selflessness and sacrificial giving of one's self to another simply because you truly loved them, and by truly loving the other person, you put their needs and their happiness ahead of your own because you loved them so much their happiness was more important to you than your own? 

I Corinthians 13:
1. If I can speak in the tongues of men and even of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or clanging cymbal.
2. And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the devine will and purpose), and understand all knowledge, and if I have (sufficient) faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).
3. Even if I dole out all that I have (to the poor in providing) food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.
4. Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over in jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on it's own rights or it's own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong).
6. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening).
8. Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end)...{Prophecy will be fulfilled and pass away; tongues will be destroyed and cease; knowledge will pass away}...
13. And so faith, hope, love abide....But the greatest of these is LOVE.
[Amplified Bible]

THIS is LOVE! THIS is REAL love! Anything else is lust, narcissism, obsession or manipulation!