I have decided to write a little follow up concerning my previous post as I have received some pretty accusatory remarks as to my motivation. For those that truly know me, my motivation has not been questioned. Unfortunately, that is not the case for all. I don't really owe anyone an explanation aside from my God, my husband and my children. However, since the letter has been made public, I might as well make the motivation public.
#1. Writing this letter to my mother and finally severing all ties with her after 50 years, 3 months and 8 days of this confusing, unpredictable relationship was by and far one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not THE hardest, but right up there next to it. I prayed about this, (YES, I most certainly did PRAY!), I cried over this, and it took me YEARS to gather the courage to write it. Twenty years ago while undergoing therapy for PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Co-Dependent Disorder, I was strongly advised to write this letter and I did not. I was scared of that woman. She had made me believe from an early age that she could hurt hurt me and that she could kill me. She still scares me because I know that she is mentally unstable and can be violent when pushed, but I am standing up to that fear now because I must. This letter was a part of my therapy, an integral part of my healing and subsequent healing...LONG OVERDUE!
#2. I did NOT write this letter as revenge. I did not make this letter public out of revenge and for anyone to claim otherwise is quiet simply ludicrous. Since this letter was written it has been available for anyone to read and I warned her that she had better repeat the letter word for word as it could be, would be read by others. She apparently did not believe me and she should have. I make no idle threats, but I most certainly do keep my promises. I also told her that she had crossed the line when she messed with my child, but apparently she forgot that as well. This letter was made public so that anyone could read word for word what I had written and at least they would know what I REALLY said.
#3. It has been said that I just need to 'let this go' and I really wish I could do so quickly. Unfortunately, no one who has ever been in the position that I was in has ever been able to 'let go' quickly. Healing is a process...A deep wound is caused and it is never allowed to heal properly. It festers and becomes infected. Sometimes proud flesh evolves, sometimes gangrene sets in, and sometimes a portion has to be removed in order that the wound can have a chance to heal. Once it begins to heal, it can not do so overnight. Based on how severe, how deep, how wide and how gangrenous the wound was, the healing can take weeks, months, even years to heal. And during that time, the last thing that needs to happen is any type of trauma to that wound or near it, or else the wound can reopen and the process must begin again.
I am going through a healing process right now and it will not happen quickly. There are steps that must be taken, areas that must be cleansed, pieces that must be scraped away to make way for healthy tissue to grow.
If this makes you uncomfortable, then that is YOUR problem. I have enough to deal with without having to be reprimanded for doing what I have been advised to do, for doing what my heart, mind and soul told me I needed to do a long, long time ago.
This is the story of MY life and this is MY blog where I can write whatsoever I choose to write. I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't believe it or lack the ability to comprehend it. GOD knows that my words are true. GOD knows the pain in my heart. GOD knows my motivations...And GOD is the ONLY being that has been with me from day one!
Abuse in ANY form is bad, but abuse on a continual basis for years upon years is downright evil and the only way to deal with evil is to shine light upon it and bring the secrets that have held us bondage out into the open for ALL to see.
Besides, if revenge had been my motivation I would have sent those filthy pictures off to Hustler, or some other filthy magazine, and made a little money so I wouldn't have had to live in my danged car for three weeks back in '81 when she kicked me out of the house and told me that I couldn't go to family for help because they all hated me.
But as hard as all of this has been, I regret not doing so because revenge would have been a heck of a lot easier!
