Until about three months ago, I was having no trouble going to bed & falling asleep within minutes. I would sleep like the dead, without a dream one, and wake up the next morning refreshed. I had no fear for I knew that God was looking out for Logan and I, and the worries I had were easily placed on the back burner of my mind and forgotten about until the next day. My mind did not go over and over a problem, nor did I just lie there and wish for the elusive Sand Man to come along. I laid myself down in the bed, closed my eyes and went to sleep.
But that happens no more.
I will stay up forever, just waiting to get drowsy, and when I finally do, hours upon hours past midnight, I lay there. I toss. I turn. I flip. I flop. I pray. And yet, sleep evades me.
I tried to blame 'the kid', but Thursday night I finally got him down before 10:30 and yet at 4am Friday morning I was still tossing and turning.
What's changed in MY life?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My life is still the same as it has been for a long while now. Things are good. I am good.
However, drastic things have changed in the lives of my extended family and unfortunately I have been made aware of some long held beliefs about me that no longer apply, and haven't for a very long time.
Yes. It bothers the hell out of me! I simply can not understand why it is so hard for people to fathom that a person can, and most often does, change. The person I was between the ages of 15 and 22 was a person who was stretching her wings, testing the boundaries, learning how to find her way in the world, and she was NOT perfect. However, she was also NOT a follower. She had to see things, try things and find things out for herself because that is just who she was, and IS. She made mistakes because she was human. But those 7 years did not define her and she was not the sum of her failures, mistakes and poor choices.
Yes. It ANGERS me to learn that after all of these years there are certain people in my extended family who only know me from then and have not a clue as to who I became from 23 to 50!
It saddens me that they only remember me as someone who is a total stranger to me now.
To know that I have lived my life loving and caring about people who think so damned little of me is heartbreaking, and there isn't a single damned thing I can do about it. Not one.
Of course there is the situation concerning those who gave me life, and that has been a living nightmare for all involved, and it has involved a lot of us, unfortunately. I didn't want to be involved, but how can I not be? My heart is pulled in so many directions that I find myself more confused than ever. I don't want to take sides. I shouldn't be given a choice, either. I just wish all the hatred and vindictiveness, the cruelty and the tongue wagging would just STOP!
I grew up in this shit and it took me too many adult years to realize that shit is NOT the way happy, strong people conduct their lives. I moved away, I grew up and I found happiness, joy and peace. I have enjoyed it immensely. I have flourished as a person. And then, before I even realized it, I allow my emotions to pull me back into the miserable cesspool, and I DO NOT want to be in the midst of this shit!
I want to RUN! I want to find a big sand hill and bury my head in it. I want to just forget about the bad shit and think of absolutely NOTHING!
I don't want to hear about wars or rumors of wars. I don't want to be in the midst of a battle that I had nothing to do with because I do not want to be anyone's innocent victim ever again.
But does it really matter? When shit hits the fan it gets all over everything and everyone. I just wish that I'd been smarter and run faster and farther.
Add to this the 'choices' I've made. Pretty benign considering the other crap, but since I don't have much crap in my own personal life, those 'choices' and the consequences of such are pretty damned important to me.
I made them and I own them. That SHOULD be the end of it, but because I don't have the heart to tell people to just 'Shut the F--- up!', I get to listen to those who have always played it safe give me their 'superior and all knowing' advise. It's not bad enough that I am already battling with Jennifer, but then I find myself in situations where I have to listen to hypocrites, jackasses, assholes and dumb-asses administer their all-knowing advise to me in what I hear as a condescending tone of voice!
Okay! I 'get' that the majority of people who think they know me also think my IQ level is below 50 and my common sense is non-existent. Yeah. Like I said, I 'get' that. They couldn't make it any plainer even if they were honest, straight forward, to the point and said, "I'm telling you this because it is my belief that you are a 50 year old retard who needs me to tell you what to do since there are no group homes for idiots like you." I would nod my head and say, "Yeah. I already 'got' that." The only thing different might be that I put into use the 'F-bomb' and add something like, "And by the way, F--- YOU, mother-effer, and the jackass you rode in on!"
Because, you know...I'm TIRED! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in three freaking months! Bullshit has just about got the better of my temper & vocabulary!
Last night as I tried to go to sleep I talked to God and I even told Him, "I am so sick of all this crap that I am fixing to start telling people to 'F' off! I know it's not right and I'm sorry, but I am MAD and I am TIRED!"
I just want to carry my tired ass to bed at 10pm, lie down in said bed, close my eyes and fall asleep within minutes!
I just want people to behave themselves, treat each other with mutual respect, show a little love, a lot of consideration, be kind and stop treating me like a freaking idiot!
Yeah. I know it's a fantasy and that will never happen on this earth, but an old lady can dream, can't she? I mean, what else can I do? I certainly can't go to 'effin' SLEEP!
