Happy 50th Birthday To Me!

Happy 50th Birthday to me! Yes, I will celebrate it...I will brag about it...I will embrace it...and I will be grateful for it!
50 years...And I've seen a lot.
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 5. It was a completely personal and private thing that no one but my Savior and I were privy to. And it was a good thing because I would certainly come to need the Hand of Jesus in my life.
A childhood where abuse was present on more occasions than I'd like to remember. 
Adolescence evolved into me hating myself because of the unchecked abuse and the constant bullying I suffered at school.
Teen years led me to rebel and exhibit self destructive habits and eventually a suicide attempt.  Had it not been for a supernatural presence and a quiet voice speaking into my ear, I would not be here today!
The loss of a high school friend.
The most heinous of betrayals by another high school friend. 
Escaping home the only way I knew how.
My first child 2 weeks past my 19th birthday.
Leaving, and then divorcing my abusive 1rst husband a couple of days before my 21rst birthday.
Meeting & falling in love for the very first time a few months later. 
A volatile relationship which ended suddenly and resulted in the loss of my 2nd child and initiated my 2nd suicide attempt. 10 months of playing cat & mouse with the one I loved which ended only with his murder...on the 3rd birthday of my first child & inadvertently led to my having an emotional 'breakdown'. 
More familial abuse followed for the next 2 years, as well as the birth of my 3rd child, 2nd son. It was during this time that Jesus and my faith in God saw me through many a dark and lonely day & night! I surrendered myself to Christ during this time and He saw me through. He eventually led me to my present, REAL husband...My savior in human form!
The next few years produced our daughter, my fourth child...as well as a lot of hell. Marriage wasn't easy...I had my 'baggage' and he had his, plus the familial rumor mill ran rampart...and to this day there are those who still cling to the old lies and bullshit.
I went through major depression. I considered suicide more times than I will admit. But I somehow made it through those years, doing the best I knew how to do with very little support or help from anyone save God.
And then one day, a couple months after my 38th birthday, I became a grandmother! I had been born to be a grandma! I loved that child even before he was born, and after his birth, I was the only person who he ever bonded with. Things were bad in his little life and I found myself in the toughest battle of my life! 
Maybe it was because I had been abused myself...I just don't know...but I knew he was suffering from abuse and I fought harder, louder and without regret or remorse. Sadly, I was right and I gained custody of this child, and later adopted him. 
But it hasn't been without sacrifices. I lost my oldest son because I refused to abandon my grandchild, HIS biological child. I lost my granddaughter, my grandson's half sister because of my son's hatred. 
My life was threatened repeatedly and for 4 solid years we lived in fear. We ended up selling our farm, our beautiful 100 year old house, my lush gardens, my beloved horses and my chickens...just to get away from the constant fear AND the financial stress the attorney fees had placed on us. It was hard on all of us, and I still miss that place and my horses, but the peace & safety we have found truly makes up for all of it.
But my health suffered...I developed high blood pressure, low blood sugar and added a total of 70 pounds! My stress level has been through the roof because my now adopted son can be a handful: Partly because since we sold our farm, my husband has had to work away from home and I suddenly become a 'single parent' due to the necessity of a pay check, and partly because my son suffers from ADD & impulsive behavior caused by a neurological disorder, thanks to his meth addict egg donor.
But somehow I managed to not have a stroke or heart attack, and in the last three months I've lost almost 30 pounds. Also, from about the age of 40 and my premature completion of menopause, the deep depression went away. I learned how to pray scriptures over my life and I learned how to love me, for me. I learned how to speak up and out for myself and those I love. I stopped being so afraid of offending others at the price of my own feelings and beliefs. I learned that I am okay, maybe not everyone's 'cup of tea', but just right for those who know me and love me.
My marriage also improved greatly over the past 12 years, as did my own self image. My husband is now my best friend and partner in all things, not just 'marriage'.
And so, here I am...50 years old. Wife to one man for going on 26 years. Mother to four living children. Grandmother to 4. Friend to just a few, but quality will always be more important to me than quality!
I am loved by some, hated by many, and even feared by a few who have felt my wrath! 
And I am okay with that. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for injustices done to those I love, and I don't give up or give in. 
And I fight for my God, my beliefs, my faith because without those three things, I would not be here now.
I am grateful to God for yet another year gone and another day ahead of me. 
My paternal grandmother died in her sleep 3 months after her 50th birthday. My maternal grandmother died a few months after her 90th birthday. I pray for 40 more years to see my children, my grandchildren and my great grandchildren. But if God gives me just one more day, then I am grateful.
This life has been eventful, to say the least. It has never been easy and rarely without drama, but it is MY life and I've lived it the best I knew how. Despite all of the pain and ugliness I've lived through, it's been a good 50 years...I am BLESSED beyond measure and my cup most certainly runneth over!
Thank you, Jesus, for saving my soul and saving my life. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me what you said you would that night when I was 15 years old and on the brink of death after I had swallowed that bottle of pills. Those children are beautiful, wonderful children, this man has turned out to be the love of my life and these grandkids are truly gifts from Heaven above! 
My hope remains in YOU, Father in Heaven. You are the most wonderful thing that my life has ever experienced!
Happy 50th Birthday to me, Jennifer Diane, born in the afternoon of June 1rst, 1963 at Cleveland Hospital, Cleveland, Texas!

I wasn't depressed...until now!

I had originally planned on heading out of town and state today to go spend my 50th birthday with my husband. I was excited about it...I would be in a real town with shopping and dining, and could actually CELEBRATE the arrival of my 50th year on this earth!
But, the dog got bitten by a rattlesnake on Monday and until this coming Tuesday, I have to give her meds 2x a day. 
Well, I thought, 'Okay. I can just drive 120+ miles one way to Del Rio on Friday and spend the day doing a little shopping, get my hair trimmed, eat out, buy myself a birthday cake and then drive 120+ miles back home, and THAT would be sort of okay. Next Friday, (payday), I could head out to see my husband and spend a week, coming back home around the 15th.
But...yesterday...I received this little post card in the mail reminding me that on June 10th, Vacation Bible School begins...and it is the ONLY vacation bible school this town has, and my child dearly LOVES to go.
Well, CRAP!!! DOUBLE crap!!!
Not enough money to go to Del Rio today and still head out of town & state on Tuesday. It's either one or the other, but can not do both. Even if I could do both, my lower back has been hurting me since last night and I am driving NOWHERE far today.
Therefore, I will spend my 50th birthday sitting on my fat ass at home, probably right here at this computer, doing nothing but dipping snuff, drinking coffee and feeling sorry for myself. I will not even have a birthday cake, and that makes me saddest of all! I mean, I never get birthday gifts, but I ALWAYS have had a cake...Until now. 
Silly? 
Probably.
But tomorrow is my 50th birthday and this is my freaking life! I can be silly if I damned well want to be and the whole world can just kiss my ass!
I just hope that maybe one of these 2 little bitty stores left has a cake mix & frosting...(The other 2 stores don't...I checked yesterday.) It won't make it better, but the bad won't be so bad...unless they don't have chocolate...If they don't have chocolate, then I will have no hope. No hope whatsoever of arising from the pits of depression...

I'm not lost...

One of the Unsatisfied (Lacy J. Dalton)

 Few songs better describe me and how I feel deep inside...This one is one of those few!

There's a river of sorrow that mankind has cried
It runs like a torrent and blends with the tide
But I am not content with the peace that's prophesied
For alas I am one of the unsatisfied

Now the willow can bend and the moon she can hide
But the oak tree will stand til it breaks from its pride
And I may look unbroken but deep down inside
Alas I am one of the unsatisfied

And we walk among our brothers
With a strange and faraway look in our eyes
And we often play the clown to hide the fact
That something deep within us cries
Lord and some of us are poets
Some dream until they die
Til we're one with the spirit we're unsatisfied

Now the north wind is my lover, he's always at my side
And the hawk's my little sister screaming at the sky
Afraid of God and naked, stripped of all our pride
Til we're one with the spirit we're unsatisfied

Til we're on with the spirit we're unsatisfied

That 'mean old eyed' teacher...

Driving through the residential streets of our town today, my son suddenly slid down in the seat, as far as he could go, and covered his head with his hands and arms. I asked him what he was doing and he told me to "Just keep driving, Mom, and tell me when she's past us!"
I looked up to discover that the vehicle I was meeting was being driven by my son's former teacher. A teacher, I might add, that I am currently in a sort of battle with over her professional negligence and the reason I now home school my child.
As she passed, she grinned & pointed her finger at me, while I replied to her in sign language!
I told my son that the witch had passed and he asked, "Are you sure?", as he cautiously removed his hands from his head and raised back up in the seat.
I was a uncomfortable with his reaction, but upon asking him to elaborate on his nervousness and fear, he only said, "She doesn't like me."
I asked him if it was because of me and he shook his head quickly, responding that she disliked him before I started disliking her.
I told him that had he told me this months before, I would have pulled him out of school a lot sooner. Then he said, "You would't have believed me. No one ever believes anything bad about her."
I said, "Yeah they do. But she scares people and very few people have the guts to stand up to her." 
And then he grinned at me. It was the cutest, sweetest, most blessed grin I've been blessed to see in a while, and he replied, "But my momma's got guts and she's not scared of her."
I almost teared up and said, "No, I am not scared of her. In fact, I think we need to drive around town until we find her so we can roll down the windows and call her names."
His eyes got real big, he shook his head and said, "Take me home first! I don't want that woman looking at me with them mean old eyes of her's."
I laughed. I laughed hard...
But later this evening, as I thought about it all, I can't help but wonder...What kind of teacher evokes that much fear into her students to the point that they do not feel that they can even confide in their parents? A fear that causes a child to melt into the floorboard of a vehicle when he sees her driving through town? 
This woman looked me in the face back in January and sweetly praised my son, told me how wonderful he was, how much he was improving and getting along with everyone in the classroom. She told me what a happy boy he had become...when in all actuality he had become withdrawn, sad, unhappy, depressed, angry and hopeless. Furthermore, his grades had declined in all subjects, one in particular to a single digit. Yet she told me to not worry about that single digit grade. She said it wasn't important!
Evil. That's the only word I can find to describe her. EVIL!
I'm glad I removed my child from her class. I regret not doing it sooner because I allowed him to have to be subject to her 'mean old eyes' on a daily basis!
The funniest thing? Her eyes really are beautiful...But then, so is snakeskin when it's on a pair of cowboy boots!!!
            

A silent cry of a Loner...

There are times when I feel so utterly alone; so completely abandoned. Lately, this seems to be my existence.
Family and friends leave you, no matter the reason, and it feels as if you were on stage and everyone left the building, the lights were turned out and you are alone, locked inside with nothing to accompany you but yourself and the darkness.
Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my solitude from time to time, but not constantly. Not habitually. 
Just the knowledge that someone is in the next room sleeping as I write late at night is enough. Yet take that away and feel lost.
It would be nice to know that you were important enough to be remembered. It is devastating to realize that you aren't. 
You make an effort and reach out to others in hopes of avoiding the loneliness and despair, only to alienate yourself simply by being yourself.

I hope that before I die I find both rhyme and reason to this insanity we call life, and understand it all. Then, perhaps, I can find joy and comfort in being a loner; a person who is no one's favorite anything.

The Wilderness...

I have wandered many places in my life, and I am sure that, God willing, I will wander many more places before I leave this earth. I once believed that the wandering was all about the destination. But, as I grow older and find myself disillusioned time after time upon reaching the destinations, I have arrived at the conclusion that the wandering is simply about the wandering!

Time after blessed time I have arrived at the destination only to discover that it was nothing like I had dreamed it would be. I would then go through a period of heartbreak and depression, blaming myself for being so naive and stupid, and praying to God to forgive my foolishness and rescue me quickly from my demise. It didn't help when family and friends would say words that further reprimanded me, speak unkindly behind my back and shake their heads as if to say, "That foolish, stupid woman has done it again!" And I would think, "Do they really think that I am so simpleminded, so intellectually lacking that I had not, have not, already discovered my folly?"

Then late one recent night another thought occurred to me...Perhaps what myself and others have perceived as 'foolishness, stupidity & folly' might actually be 'fearlessness, courage & bravery'! 
To step outside of one's comfort zone, to step away from the boring 'normal', to follow a dream simply because you can, (even if that dream evaporates moments before fruition), to see new places, meet new people, fulfill desires from deep within your own heart that no one, (maybe not even yourself), truly understands...THAT, my Friend, is akin to genius!

So, I am learning. I am beginning to 'get' it. It is NOT about the destination. The destination ONLY provides a compass point; a direction that allows me to remain focused and keeps me from getting lost in the wilderness. It allows my wanderings to not become aimless or without end, and it allows me the benefit of keeping track of which journey I might be on at any given time. 
It IS, however, all about the WANDERING, the JOURNEY within itself! And in this, I actually have found my true comfort zone...Stepping away from the boring 'normal' and immersing myself in the wandering...THAT is the dream, and it is a GOOD dream to have, a great life to live!

This is MY life...and I am happily...Wandering in a Wilderness!