Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
My eldest child
I did not walk away from my eldest son. I did not 'get mad at him' and sever ties with him. That is an out and out LIE and anyone who claims it is a damned LIAR!
My eldest son and his wife hate me for keeping tabs on and eventually gaining custody of my eldest son's child, my first grandchild. They wanted me to forget him and abandon him as they did. They wanted me to leave him in an abusive situation as they did and they have said that I was 'crazy' and worse because I would not do as they did.
But I could not do that and I did not. My original goal was to gain custody of my grandchild in order that my son and his new wife could take him and raise him as they should have done. But they refused and not only lied about me, but lied about this precious child. My husband and I were finally able to adopt this child because we loved him and he deserved a good, safe and loving home. He did not create himself and he did not deserve to be mistreated and abandoned as he had been.
But still, I tried to keep in touch with my eldest son. I called him, I went to see him, I did everything to keep the relationship going because...I love my eldest child. But he wouldn't return my phone calls and he wasn't particularly happy to see me if I arrived at his home. But still I tried, even after I heard the lies they were telling about me. I still tried.
But on Christmas morning of 2008 I called my eldest child to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas and I heard him tell his wife in the background, "I don't want to talk to her. Why doesn't she just leave me alone." When he did finally come to the phone, all he did was mumble and at that time I said, with a broken heart, "I love you. I always have and I always will. I want only the best for you and if you ever need me or want me in your life, you know where I'm at. But I will not bother you again because I know it upsets you. I love you." And that was it. Since that day, I have heard not a single word from he or his wife.
I did NOT sever ties. Instead, I put that choice in his hands and he is the one who has left me...and his two siblings...and his first born child.
And if you think that I take this mildly, you would be wrong. This breaks my heart over and over again.
I would never sever ties with any child I gave birth to. NEVER! But I do respect their choices, even if it kills me inside because I am not a stalker and because I love them.
My eldest son and his wife hate me for keeping tabs on and eventually gaining custody of my eldest son's child, my first grandchild. They wanted me to forget him and abandon him as they did. They wanted me to leave him in an abusive situation as they did and they have said that I was 'crazy' and worse because I would not do as they did.
But I could not do that and I did not. My original goal was to gain custody of my grandchild in order that my son and his new wife could take him and raise him as they should have done. But they refused and not only lied about me, but lied about this precious child. My husband and I were finally able to adopt this child because we loved him and he deserved a good, safe and loving home. He did not create himself and he did not deserve to be mistreated and abandoned as he had been.
But still, I tried to keep in touch with my eldest son. I called him, I went to see him, I did everything to keep the relationship going because...I love my eldest child. But he wouldn't return my phone calls and he wasn't particularly happy to see me if I arrived at his home. But still I tried, even after I heard the lies they were telling about me. I still tried.
But on Christmas morning of 2008 I called my eldest child to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas and I heard him tell his wife in the background, "I don't want to talk to her. Why doesn't she just leave me alone." When he did finally come to the phone, all he did was mumble and at that time I said, with a broken heart, "I love you. I always have and I always will. I want only the best for you and if you ever need me or want me in your life, you know where I'm at. But I will not bother you again because I know it upsets you. I love you." And that was it. Since that day, I have heard not a single word from he or his wife.
I did NOT sever ties. Instead, I put that choice in his hands and he is the one who has left me...and his two siblings...and his first born child.
And if you think that I take this mildly, you would be wrong. This breaks my heart over and over again.
I would never sever ties with any child I gave birth to. NEVER! But I do respect their choices, even if it kills me inside because I am not a stalker and because I love them.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Follow up to previous post...
I have decided to write a little follow up concerning my previous post as I have received some pretty accusatory remarks as to my motivation. For those that truly know me, my motivation has not been questioned. Unfortunately, that is not the case for all. I don't really owe anyone an explanation aside from my God, my husband and my children. However, since the letter has been made public, I might as well make the motivation public.
#1. Writing this letter to my mother and finally severing all ties with her after 50 years, 3 months and 8 days of this confusing, unpredictable relationship was by and far one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not THE hardest, but right up there next to it. I prayed about this, (YES, I most certainly did PRAY!), I cried over this, and it took me YEARS to gather the courage to write it. Twenty years ago while undergoing therapy for PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Co-Dependent Disorder, I was strongly advised to write this letter and I did not. I was scared of that woman. She had made me believe from an early age that she could hurt hurt me and that she could kill me. She still scares me because I know that she is mentally unstable and can be violent when pushed, but I am standing up to that fear now because I must. This letter was a part of my therapy, an integral part of my healing and subsequent healing...LONG OVERDUE!
#2. I did NOT write this letter as revenge. I did not make this letter public out of revenge and for anyone to claim otherwise is quiet simply ludicrous. Since this letter was written it has been available for anyone to read and I warned her that she had better repeat the letter word for word as it could be, would be read by others. She apparently did not believe me and she should have. I make no idle threats, but I most certainly do keep my promises. I also told her that she had crossed the line when she messed with my child, but apparently she forgot that as well. This letter was made public so that anyone could read word for word what I had written and at least they would know what I REALLY said.
#3. It has been said that I just need to 'let this go' and I really wish I could do so quickly. Unfortunately, no one who has ever been in the position that I was in has ever been able to 'let go' quickly. Healing is a process...A deep wound is caused and it is never allowed to heal properly. It festers and becomes infected. Sometimes proud flesh evolves, sometimes gangrene sets in, and sometimes a portion has to be removed in order that the wound can have a chance to heal. Once it begins to heal, it can not do so overnight. Based on how severe, how deep, how wide and how gangrenous the wound was, the healing can take weeks, months, even years to heal. And during that time, the last thing that needs to happen is any type of trauma to that wound or near it, or else the wound can reopen and the process must begin again.
I am going through a healing process right now and it will not happen quickly. There are steps that must be taken, areas that must be cleansed, pieces that must be scraped away to make way for healthy tissue to grow.
If this makes you uncomfortable, then that is YOUR problem. I have enough to deal with without having to be reprimanded for doing what I have been advised to do, for doing what my heart, mind and soul told me I needed to do a long, long time ago.
This is the story of MY life and this is MY blog where I can write whatsoever I choose to write. I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't believe it or lack the ability to comprehend it. GOD knows that my words are true. GOD knows the pain in my heart. GOD knows my motivations...And GOD is the ONLY being that has been with me from day one!
Abuse in ANY form is bad, but abuse on a continual basis for years upon years is downright evil and the only way to deal with evil is to shine light upon it and bring the secrets that have held us bondage out into the open for ALL to see.
Besides, if revenge had been my motivation I would have sent those filthy pictures off to Hustler, or some other filthy magazine, and made a little money so I wouldn't have had to live in my danged car for three weeks back in '81 when she kicked me out of the house and told me that I couldn't go to family for help because they all hated me.
But as hard as all of this has been, I regret not doing so because revenge would have been a heck of a lot easier!
#1. Writing this letter to my mother and finally severing all ties with her after 50 years, 3 months and 8 days of this confusing, unpredictable relationship was by and far one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not THE hardest, but right up there next to it. I prayed about this, (YES, I most certainly did PRAY!), I cried over this, and it took me YEARS to gather the courage to write it. Twenty years ago while undergoing therapy for PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Co-Dependent Disorder, I was strongly advised to write this letter and I did not. I was scared of that woman. She had made me believe from an early age that she could hurt hurt me and that she could kill me. She still scares me because I know that she is mentally unstable and can be violent when pushed, but I am standing up to that fear now because I must. This letter was a part of my therapy, an integral part of my healing and subsequent healing...LONG OVERDUE!
#2. I did NOT write this letter as revenge. I did not make this letter public out of revenge and for anyone to claim otherwise is quiet simply ludicrous. Since this letter was written it has been available for anyone to read and I warned her that she had better repeat the letter word for word as it could be, would be read by others. She apparently did not believe me and she should have. I make no idle threats, but I most certainly do keep my promises. I also told her that she had crossed the line when she messed with my child, but apparently she forgot that as well. This letter was made public so that anyone could read word for word what I had written and at least they would know what I REALLY said.
#3. It has been said that I just need to 'let this go' and I really wish I could do so quickly. Unfortunately, no one who has ever been in the position that I was in has ever been able to 'let go' quickly. Healing is a process...A deep wound is caused and it is never allowed to heal properly. It festers and becomes infected. Sometimes proud flesh evolves, sometimes gangrene sets in, and sometimes a portion has to be removed in order that the wound can have a chance to heal. Once it begins to heal, it can not do so overnight. Based on how severe, how deep, how wide and how gangrenous the wound was, the healing can take weeks, months, even years to heal. And during that time, the last thing that needs to happen is any type of trauma to that wound or near it, or else the wound can reopen and the process must begin again.
I am going through a healing process right now and it will not happen quickly. There are steps that must be taken, areas that must be cleansed, pieces that must be scraped away to make way for healthy tissue to grow.
If this makes you uncomfortable, then that is YOUR problem. I have enough to deal with without having to be reprimanded for doing what I have been advised to do, for doing what my heart, mind and soul told me I needed to do a long, long time ago.
This is the story of MY life and this is MY blog where I can write whatsoever I choose to write. I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't believe it or lack the ability to comprehend it. GOD knows that my words are true. GOD knows the pain in my heart. GOD knows my motivations...And GOD is the ONLY being that has been with me from day one!
Abuse in ANY form is bad, but abuse on a continual basis for years upon years is downright evil and the only way to deal with evil is to shine light upon it and bring the secrets that have held us bondage out into the open for ALL to see.
Besides, if revenge had been my motivation I would have sent those filthy pictures off to Hustler, or some other filthy magazine, and made a little money so I wouldn't have had to live in my danged car for three weeks back in '81 when she kicked me out of the house and told me that I couldn't go to family for help because they all hated me.
But as hard as all of this has been, I regret not doing so because revenge would have been a heck of a lot easier!
Friday, August 16, 2013
My Sleep Deprived Rant
Until about three months ago, I was having no trouble going to bed & falling asleep within minutes. I would sleep like the dead, without a dream one, and wake up the next morning refreshed. I had no fear for I knew that God was looking out for Logan and I, and the worries I had were easily placed on the back burner of my mind and forgotten about until the next day. My mind did not go over and over a problem, nor did I just lie there and wish for the elusive Sand Man to come along. I laid myself down in the bed, closed my eyes and went to sleep.
But that happens no more.
I will stay up forever, just waiting to get drowsy, and when I finally do, hours upon hours past midnight, I lay there. I toss. I turn. I flip. I flop. I pray. And yet, sleep evades me.
I tried to blame 'the kid', but Thursday night I finally got him down before 10:30 and yet at 4am Friday morning I was still tossing and turning.
What's changed in MY life?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My life is still the same as it has been for a long while now. Things are good. I am good.
However, drastic things have changed in the lives of my extended family and unfortunately I have been made aware of some long held beliefs about me that no longer apply, and haven't for a very long time.
Yes. It bothers the hell out of me! I simply can not understand why it is so hard for people to fathom that a person can, and most often does, change. The person I was between the ages of 15 and 22 was a person who was stretching her wings, testing the boundaries, learning how to find her way in the world, and she was NOT perfect. However, she was also NOT a follower. She had to see things, try things and find things out for herself because that is just who she was, and IS. She made mistakes because she was human. But those 7 years did not define her and she was not the sum of her failures, mistakes and poor choices.
Yes. It ANGERS me to learn that after all of these years there are certain people in my extended family who only know me from then and have not a clue as to who I became from 23 to 50!
It saddens me that they only remember me as someone who is a total stranger to me now.
To know that I have lived my life loving and caring about people who think so damned little of me is heartbreaking, and there isn't a single damned thing I can do about it. Not one.
Of course there is the situation concerning those who gave me life, and that has been a living nightmare for all involved, and it has involved a lot of us, unfortunately. I didn't want to be involved, but how can I not be? My heart is pulled in so many directions that I find myself more confused than ever. I don't want to take sides. I shouldn't be given a choice, either. I just wish all the hatred and vindictiveness, the cruelty and the tongue wagging would just STOP!
I grew up in this shit and it took me too many adult years to realize that shit is NOT the way happy, strong people conduct their lives. I moved away, I grew up and I found happiness, joy and peace. I have enjoyed it immensely. I have flourished as a person. And then, before I even realized it, I allow my emotions to pull me back into the miserable cesspool, and I DO NOT want to be in the midst of this shit!
I want to RUN! I want to find a big sand hill and bury my head in it. I want to just forget about the bad shit and think of absolutely NOTHING!
I don't want to hear about wars or rumors of wars. I don't want to be in the midst of a battle that I had nothing to do with because I do not want to be anyone's innocent victim ever again.
But does it really matter? When shit hits the fan it gets all over everything and everyone. I just wish that I'd been smarter and run faster and farther.
Add to this the 'choices' I've made. Pretty benign considering the other crap, but since I don't have much crap in my own personal life, those 'choices' and the consequences of such are pretty damned important to me.
I made them and I own them. That SHOULD be the end of it, but because I don't have the heart to tell people to just 'Shut the F--- up!', I get to listen to those who have always played it safe give me their 'superior and all knowing' advise. It's not bad enough that I am already battling with Jennifer, but then I find myself in situations where I have to listen to hypocrites, jackasses, assholes and dumb-asses administer their all-knowing advise to me in what I hear as a condescending tone of voice!
Okay! I 'get' that the majority of people who think they know me also think my IQ level is below 50 and my common sense is non-existent. Yeah. Like I said, I 'get' that. They couldn't make it any plainer even if they were honest, straight forward, to the point and said, "I'm telling you this because it is my belief that you are a 50 year old retard who needs me to tell you what to do since there are no group homes for idiots like you." I would nod my head and say, "Yeah. I already 'got' that." The only thing different might be that I put into use the 'F-bomb' and add something like, "And by the way, F--- YOU, mother-effer, and the jackass you rode in on!"
Because, you know...I'm TIRED! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in three freaking months! Bullshit has just about got the better of my temper & vocabulary!
Last night as I tried to go to sleep I talked to God and I even told Him, "I am so sick of all this crap that I am fixing to start telling people to 'F' off! I know it's not right and I'm sorry, but I am MAD and I am TIRED!"
I just want to carry my tired ass to bed at 10pm, lie down in said bed, close my eyes and fall asleep within minutes!
I just want people to behave themselves, treat each other with mutual respect, show a little love, a lot of consideration, be kind and stop treating me like a freaking idiot!
Yeah. I know it's a fantasy and that will never happen on this earth, but an old lady can dream, can't she? I mean, what else can I do? I certainly can't go to 'effin' SLEEP!
But that happens no more.
I will stay up forever, just waiting to get drowsy, and when I finally do, hours upon hours past midnight, I lay there. I toss. I turn. I flip. I flop. I pray. And yet, sleep evades me.
I tried to blame 'the kid', but Thursday night I finally got him down before 10:30 and yet at 4am Friday morning I was still tossing and turning.
What's changed in MY life?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My life is still the same as it has been for a long while now. Things are good. I am good.
However, drastic things have changed in the lives of my extended family and unfortunately I have been made aware of some long held beliefs about me that no longer apply, and haven't for a very long time.
Yes. It bothers the hell out of me! I simply can not understand why it is so hard for people to fathom that a person can, and most often does, change. The person I was between the ages of 15 and 22 was a person who was stretching her wings, testing the boundaries, learning how to find her way in the world, and she was NOT perfect. However, she was also NOT a follower. She had to see things, try things and find things out for herself because that is just who she was, and IS. She made mistakes because she was human. But those 7 years did not define her and she was not the sum of her failures, mistakes and poor choices.
Yes. It ANGERS me to learn that after all of these years there are certain people in my extended family who only know me from then and have not a clue as to who I became from 23 to 50!
It saddens me that they only remember me as someone who is a total stranger to me now.
To know that I have lived my life loving and caring about people who think so damned little of me is heartbreaking, and there isn't a single damned thing I can do about it. Not one.
Of course there is the situation concerning those who gave me life, and that has been a living nightmare for all involved, and it has involved a lot of us, unfortunately. I didn't want to be involved, but how can I not be? My heart is pulled in so many directions that I find myself more confused than ever. I don't want to take sides. I shouldn't be given a choice, either. I just wish all the hatred and vindictiveness, the cruelty and the tongue wagging would just STOP!
I grew up in this shit and it took me too many adult years to realize that shit is NOT the way happy, strong people conduct their lives. I moved away, I grew up and I found happiness, joy and peace. I have enjoyed it immensely. I have flourished as a person. And then, before I even realized it, I allow my emotions to pull me back into the miserable cesspool, and I DO NOT want to be in the midst of this shit!
I want to RUN! I want to find a big sand hill and bury my head in it. I want to just forget about the bad shit and think of absolutely NOTHING!
I don't want to hear about wars or rumors of wars. I don't want to be in the midst of a battle that I had nothing to do with because I do not want to be anyone's innocent victim ever again.
But does it really matter? When shit hits the fan it gets all over everything and everyone. I just wish that I'd been smarter and run faster and farther.
Add to this the 'choices' I've made. Pretty benign considering the other crap, but since I don't have much crap in my own personal life, those 'choices' and the consequences of such are pretty damned important to me.
I made them and I own them. That SHOULD be the end of it, but because I don't have the heart to tell people to just 'Shut the F--- up!', I get to listen to those who have always played it safe give me their 'superior and all knowing' advise. It's not bad enough that I am already battling with Jennifer, but then I find myself in situations where I have to listen to hypocrites, jackasses, assholes and dumb-asses administer their all-knowing advise to me in what I hear as a condescending tone of voice!
Okay! I 'get' that the majority of people who think they know me also think my IQ level is below 50 and my common sense is non-existent. Yeah. Like I said, I 'get' that. They couldn't make it any plainer even if they were honest, straight forward, to the point and said, "I'm telling you this because it is my belief that you are a 50 year old retard who needs me to tell you what to do since there are no group homes for idiots like you." I would nod my head and say, "Yeah. I already 'got' that." The only thing different might be that I put into use the 'F-bomb' and add something like, "And by the way, F--- YOU, mother-effer, and the jackass you rode in on!"
Because, you know...I'm TIRED! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in three freaking months! Bullshit has just about got the better of my temper & vocabulary!
Last night as I tried to go to sleep I talked to God and I even told Him, "I am so sick of all this crap that I am fixing to start telling people to 'F' off! I know it's not right and I'm sorry, but I am MAD and I am TIRED!"
I just want to carry my tired ass to bed at 10pm, lie down in said bed, close my eyes and fall asleep within minutes!
I just want people to behave themselves, treat each other with mutual respect, show a little love, a lot of consideration, be kind and stop treating me like a freaking idiot!
Yeah. I know it's a fantasy and that will never happen on this earth, but an old lady can dream, can't she? I mean, what else can I do? I certainly can't go to 'effin' SLEEP!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Prayer in Open D
Prayer in Open D
Songwriter: (Emmylou Harris)
There's a valley of sorrow in my soul
Where every night I hear the thunder roll
Like the sound of a distant gun
Over all the damage I have done
And the shadows filling up this land
Are the ones I built with my own hand
There is no comfort from the cold
Of this valley of sorrow in my soul
There's a river of darkness in my blood
And through every vein I feel the flood
I can find no bridge for me to cross
No way to bring back what is lost
Into the night it soon will sweep
Down where all my grievances I keep
But it won't wash away the years
Or one single hard and bitter tear
And the rock of ages I have known
Is a weariness down in the bone
I use to ride it like a rolling stone
Now just carry it alone
There's a highway risin' from my dreams
Deep in the heart I know it gleams
For I have seen it stretching wide
Clear across to the other side
Beyond the river and the flood
And the valley where for so long I've stood
With the rock of ages in my bones
Someday I know it will lead me home...
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Negative days...
Before I even get started, I know. I KNOW. I have so many things to be thankful for and I AM thankful for so many things. I'm healthy, have a roof over my head (that I own, free and clear), a good husband, wonderful kids and grand kids, food to eat, clothes to wear, and the list just goes on and on and on.
BUT!!!!!
Some mornings. Some days. Some moments.
I truly hate my life!
Not the people. Sometimes they aggravate me, but I never hate them...well, except for those four or five that I walked away from.
The things I hate are, well, the THINGS!
The bills, the problems, the annoyances, the dirt, the clutter, the lack of funds, the unfinished projects, the unfulfilled dreams, the knowledge that I will never have some of the material things I have wanted my whole life.
Pretty shallow, Eh?
Yeah. So what. Sometimes we're all entitled to be a little human, even those of us who aren't driven by keeping up with the 'Tarkington Prairie Johnsons' and/or the 'Holier & Better Than Thou' extended members of our family.
Sometimes it's okay to wake up and be human...and to just want to kick the cat, throw a wrench, slam a door and cuss the dog! Doesn't mean it's probably the RIGHT thing to do, but it is perfectly human and perfectly normal to sometimes WANT to expend a little frustration and say, "Sometimes this crap really PISSES ME OFF!"
And to hell with those super analytical people who question our angst and try to find some deep emotional issue that has led us to remove the mask that tells the world, 'We are GREAT! Everything is FINE! Life is PERFECT! It's ALL good!'
Life is life. Some days it's good and some days it SUCKS. EVERYONE has these days, though few will admit to it.
I am reminded that I don't have cancer, my house isn't up for repossession, my husband hasn't left me, I am not starving...when I bitch about the snake that bit my dog, the scorpions I find in my kitchen, the spider that watched me shower, being in the middle of nowhere without a vehicle...And while I am so very thankful that I don't have cancer, my house is mine, my husband still loves me (God bless that man!) and my freezer is full, I am human and I HATE snakes, and scorpions and spiders and the fact that out here it's pretty darned scary to be without a dependable ride!
So I sit here this morning and admit that I am tired. I am VERY tired of the crap. All of it. Every little bitty piece of it.
I am tired of having to fight and raise hell to get anything done. I am tired of 2-faced people and back-biters, lazy moronic politicians, the communistic IRS, the idiots that control our schools, the hateful racism in our country. I am tired of family feuds and lines being drawn in the sand. I am tired of the little aggravations, the little annoyances and upheavals of life.
I am just tired of everything being so damned hard and I am tired of some things getting worse instead of better, robbing me of hope and damaging my faith.
So, yeah. I woke up this morning and I am supposed to be thankful. I am, a little.
I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next and if some things will ever change for the better because at this point, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing dimmer by the day!
BUT!!!!!
Some mornings. Some days. Some moments.
I truly hate my life!
Not the people. Sometimes they aggravate me, but I never hate them...well, except for those four or five that I walked away from.
The things I hate are, well, the THINGS!
The bills, the problems, the annoyances, the dirt, the clutter, the lack of funds, the unfinished projects, the unfulfilled dreams, the knowledge that I will never have some of the material things I have wanted my whole life.
Pretty shallow, Eh?
Yeah. So what. Sometimes we're all entitled to be a little human, even those of us who aren't driven by keeping up with the 'Tarkington Prairie Johnsons' and/or the 'Holier & Better Than Thou' extended members of our family.
Sometimes it's okay to wake up and be human...and to just want to kick the cat, throw a wrench, slam a door and cuss the dog! Doesn't mean it's probably the RIGHT thing to do, but it is perfectly human and perfectly normal to sometimes WANT to expend a little frustration and say, "Sometimes this crap really PISSES ME OFF!"
And to hell with those super analytical people who question our angst and try to find some deep emotional issue that has led us to remove the mask that tells the world, 'We are GREAT! Everything is FINE! Life is PERFECT! It's ALL good!'
Life is life. Some days it's good and some days it SUCKS. EVERYONE has these days, though few will admit to it.
I am reminded that I don't have cancer, my house isn't up for repossession, my husband hasn't left me, I am not starving...when I bitch about the snake that bit my dog, the scorpions I find in my kitchen, the spider that watched me shower, being in the middle of nowhere without a vehicle...And while I am so very thankful that I don't have cancer, my house is mine, my husband still loves me (God bless that man!) and my freezer is full, I am human and I HATE snakes, and scorpions and spiders and the fact that out here it's pretty darned scary to be without a dependable ride!
So I sit here this morning and admit that I am tired. I am VERY tired of the crap. All of it. Every little bitty piece of it.
I am tired of having to fight and raise hell to get anything done. I am tired of 2-faced people and back-biters, lazy moronic politicians, the communistic IRS, the idiots that control our schools, the hateful racism in our country. I am tired of family feuds and lines being drawn in the sand. I am tired of the little aggravations, the little annoyances and upheavals of life.
I am just tired of everything being so damned hard and I am tired of some things getting worse instead of better, robbing me of hope and damaging my faith.
So, yeah. I woke up this morning and I am supposed to be thankful. I am, a little.
I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next and if some things will ever change for the better because at this point, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing dimmer by the day!
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