Until about three months ago, I was having no trouble going to bed & falling asleep within minutes. I would sleep like the dead, without a dream one, and wake up the next morning refreshed. I had no fear for I knew that God was looking out for Logan and I, and the worries I had were easily placed on the back burner of my mind and forgotten about until the next day. My mind did not go over and over a problem, nor did I just lie there and wish for the elusive Sand Man to come along. I laid myself down in the bed, closed my eyes and went to sleep.
But that happens no more.
I will stay up forever, just waiting to get drowsy, and when I finally do, hours upon hours past midnight, I lay there. I toss. I turn. I flip. I flop. I pray. And yet, sleep evades me.
I tried to blame 'the kid', but Thursday night I finally got him down before 10:30 and yet at 4am Friday morning I was still tossing and turning.
What's changed in MY life?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My life is still the same as it has been for a long while now. Things are good. I am good.
However, drastic things have changed in the lives of my extended family and unfortunately I have been made aware of some long held beliefs about me that no longer apply, and haven't for a very long time.
Yes. It bothers the hell out of me! I simply can not understand why it is so hard for people to fathom that a person can, and most often does, change. The person I was between the ages of 15 and 22 was a person who was stretching her wings, testing the boundaries, learning how to find her way in the world, and she was NOT perfect. However, she was also NOT a follower. She had to see things, try things and find things out for herself because that is just who she was, and IS. She made mistakes because she was human. But those 7 years did not define her and she was not the sum of her failures, mistakes and poor choices.
Yes. It ANGERS me to learn that after all of these years there are certain people in my extended family who only know me from then and have not a clue as to who I became from 23 to 50!
It saddens me that they only remember me as someone who is a total stranger to me now.
To know that I have lived my life loving and caring about people who think so damned little of me is heartbreaking, and there isn't a single damned thing I can do about it. Not one.
Of course there is the situation concerning those who gave me life, and that has been a living nightmare for all involved, and it has involved a lot of us, unfortunately. I didn't want to be involved, but how can I not be? My heart is pulled in so many directions that I find myself more confused than ever. I don't want to take sides. I shouldn't be given a choice, either. I just wish all the hatred and vindictiveness, the cruelty and the tongue wagging would just STOP!
I grew up in this shit and it took me too many adult years to realize that shit is NOT the way happy, strong people conduct their lives. I moved away, I grew up and I found happiness, joy and peace. I have enjoyed it immensely. I have flourished as a person. And then, before I even realized it, I allow my emotions to pull me back into the miserable cesspool, and I DO NOT want to be in the midst of this shit!
I want to RUN! I want to find a big sand hill and bury my head in it. I want to just forget about the bad shit and think of absolutely NOTHING!
I don't want to hear about wars or rumors of wars. I don't want to be in the midst of a battle that I had nothing to do with because I do not want to be anyone's innocent victim ever again.
But does it really matter? When shit hits the fan it gets all over everything and everyone. I just wish that I'd been smarter and run faster and farther.
Add to this the 'choices' I've made. Pretty benign considering the other crap, but since I don't have much crap in my own personal life, those 'choices' and the consequences of such are pretty damned important to me.
I made them and I own them. That SHOULD be the end of it, but because I don't have the heart to tell people to just 'Shut the F--- up!', I get to listen to those who have always played it safe give me their 'superior and all knowing' advise. It's not bad enough that I am already battling with Jennifer, but then I find myself in situations where I have to listen to hypocrites, jackasses, assholes and dumb-asses administer their all-knowing advise to me in what I hear as a condescending tone of voice!
Okay! I 'get' that the majority of people who think they know me also think my IQ level is below 50 and my common sense is non-existent. Yeah. Like I said, I 'get' that. They couldn't make it any plainer even if they were honest, straight forward, to the point and said, "I'm telling you this because it is my belief that you are a 50 year old retard who needs me to tell you what to do since there are no group homes for idiots like you." I would nod my head and say, "Yeah. I already 'got' that." The only thing different might be that I put into use the 'F-bomb' and add something like, "And by the way, F--- YOU, mother-effer, and the jackass you rode in on!"
Because, you know...I'm TIRED! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in three freaking months! Bullshit has just about got the better of my temper & vocabulary!
Last night as I tried to go to sleep I talked to God and I even told Him, "I am so sick of all this crap that I am fixing to start telling people to 'F' off! I know it's not right and I'm sorry, but I am MAD and I am TIRED!"
I just want to carry my tired ass to bed at 10pm, lie down in said bed, close my eyes and fall asleep within minutes!
I just want people to behave themselves, treat each other with mutual respect, show a little love, a lot of consideration, be kind and stop treating me like a freaking idiot!
Yeah. I know it's a fantasy and that will never happen on this earth, but an old lady can dream, can't she? I mean, what else can I do? I certainly can't go to 'effin' SLEEP!
Friday, August 16, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Prayer in Open D
Prayer in Open D
Songwriter: (Emmylou Harris)
There's a valley of sorrow in my soul
Where every night I hear the thunder roll
Like the sound of a distant gun
Over all the damage I have done
And the shadows filling up this land
Are the ones I built with my own hand
There is no comfort from the cold
Of this valley of sorrow in my soul
There's a river of darkness in my blood
And through every vein I feel the flood
I can find no bridge for me to cross
No way to bring back what is lost
Into the night it soon will sweep
Down where all my grievances I keep
But it won't wash away the years
Or one single hard and bitter tear
And the rock of ages I have known
Is a weariness down in the bone
I use to ride it like a rolling stone
Now just carry it alone
There's a highway risin' from my dreams
Deep in the heart I know it gleams
For I have seen it stretching wide
Clear across to the other side
Beyond the river and the flood
And the valley where for so long I've stood
With the rock of ages in my bones
Someday I know it will lead me home...
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Negative days...
Before I even get started, I know. I KNOW. I have so many things to be thankful for and I AM thankful for so many things. I'm healthy, have a roof over my head (that I own, free and clear), a good husband, wonderful kids and grand kids, food to eat, clothes to wear, and the list just goes on and on and on.
BUT!!!!!
Some mornings. Some days. Some moments.
I truly hate my life!
Not the people. Sometimes they aggravate me, but I never hate them...well, except for those four or five that I walked away from.
The things I hate are, well, the THINGS!
The bills, the problems, the annoyances, the dirt, the clutter, the lack of funds, the unfinished projects, the unfulfilled dreams, the knowledge that I will never have some of the material things I have wanted my whole life.
Pretty shallow, Eh?
Yeah. So what. Sometimes we're all entitled to be a little human, even those of us who aren't driven by keeping up with the 'Tarkington Prairie Johnsons' and/or the 'Holier & Better Than Thou' extended members of our family.
Sometimes it's okay to wake up and be human...and to just want to kick the cat, throw a wrench, slam a door and cuss the dog! Doesn't mean it's probably the RIGHT thing to do, but it is perfectly human and perfectly normal to sometimes WANT to expend a little frustration and say, "Sometimes this crap really PISSES ME OFF!"
And to hell with those super analytical people who question our angst and try to find some deep emotional issue that has led us to remove the mask that tells the world, 'We are GREAT! Everything is FINE! Life is PERFECT! It's ALL good!'
Life is life. Some days it's good and some days it SUCKS. EVERYONE has these days, though few will admit to it.
I am reminded that I don't have cancer, my house isn't up for repossession, my husband hasn't left me, I am not starving...when I bitch about the snake that bit my dog, the scorpions I find in my kitchen, the spider that watched me shower, being in the middle of nowhere without a vehicle...And while I am so very thankful that I don't have cancer, my house is mine, my husband still loves me (God bless that man!) and my freezer is full, I am human and I HATE snakes, and scorpions and spiders and the fact that out here it's pretty darned scary to be without a dependable ride!
So I sit here this morning and admit that I am tired. I am VERY tired of the crap. All of it. Every little bitty piece of it.
I am tired of having to fight and raise hell to get anything done. I am tired of 2-faced people and back-biters, lazy moronic politicians, the communistic IRS, the idiots that control our schools, the hateful racism in our country. I am tired of family feuds and lines being drawn in the sand. I am tired of the little aggravations, the little annoyances and upheavals of life.
I am just tired of everything being so damned hard and I am tired of some things getting worse instead of better, robbing me of hope and damaging my faith.
So, yeah. I woke up this morning and I am supposed to be thankful. I am, a little.
I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next and if some things will ever change for the better because at this point, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing dimmer by the day!
BUT!!!!!
Some mornings. Some days. Some moments.
I truly hate my life!
Not the people. Sometimes they aggravate me, but I never hate them...well, except for those four or five that I walked away from.
The things I hate are, well, the THINGS!
The bills, the problems, the annoyances, the dirt, the clutter, the lack of funds, the unfinished projects, the unfulfilled dreams, the knowledge that I will never have some of the material things I have wanted my whole life.
Pretty shallow, Eh?
Yeah. So what. Sometimes we're all entitled to be a little human, even those of us who aren't driven by keeping up with the 'Tarkington Prairie Johnsons' and/or the 'Holier & Better Than Thou' extended members of our family.
Sometimes it's okay to wake up and be human...and to just want to kick the cat, throw a wrench, slam a door and cuss the dog! Doesn't mean it's probably the RIGHT thing to do, but it is perfectly human and perfectly normal to sometimes WANT to expend a little frustration and say, "Sometimes this crap really PISSES ME OFF!"
And to hell with those super analytical people who question our angst and try to find some deep emotional issue that has led us to remove the mask that tells the world, 'We are GREAT! Everything is FINE! Life is PERFECT! It's ALL good!'
Life is life. Some days it's good and some days it SUCKS. EVERYONE has these days, though few will admit to it.
I am reminded that I don't have cancer, my house isn't up for repossession, my husband hasn't left me, I am not starving...when I bitch about the snake that bit my dog, the scorpions I find in my kitchen, the spider that watched me shower, being in the middle of nowhere without a vehicle...And while I am so very thankful that I don't have cancer, my house is mine, my husband still loves me (God bless that man!) and my freezer is full, I am human and I HATE snakes, and scorpions and spiders and the fact that out here it's pretty darned scary to be without a dependable ride!
So I sit here this morning and admit that I am tired. I am VERY tired of the crap. All of it. Every little bitty piece of it.
I am tired of having to fight and raise hell to get anything done. I am tired of 2-faced people and back-biters, lazy moronic politicians, the communistic IRS, the idiots that control our schools, the hateful racism in our country. I am tired of family feuds and lines being drawn in the sand. I am tired of the little aggravations, the little annoyances and upheavals of life.
I am just tired of everything being so damned hard and I am tired of some things getting worse instead of better, robbing me of hope and damaging my faith.
So, yeah. I woke up this morning and I am supposed to be thankful. I am, a little.
I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next and if some things will ever change for the better because at this point, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing dimmer by the day!
Friday, July 12, 2013
July 12th, 2013
Another day down. Thanking God for another day, but glad it's over.
I went to bed last night and prayed for an hour until I finally fell asleep. Logan had a friend over and they stayed up all night, except for a 2 hour nap, so my sleep was disturbed and I did not rest well. I woke up this morning, knowing what I needed to do...But I drank a cup of tea, ate my breakfast, took pictures of my Morning Glories and Bell Flowers while all the while second guessing myself and making excuse after excuse. I sent out a couple of texts asking for advice from family & friend, but then when I went on Facebook again, there she was. Another childish, 'look at poor pitiful me' post.
That was it. I had had enough. So, I blocked my mother from my Facebook and I hope and pray that I never have to see or speak to her again.
Perhaps I will find the strength to write my life story here. I've not written much before because I feared my mother. But I will no longer allow her to control or manipulate me by fear. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless if it is true or a complete lie. It's been this way my entire life, so it's not anything new to me to have my mother spread vindictive lies.
But for now, I'll just sit back and breath a much needed sigh of relief.
I'm 50 years old now and it's way past time for me to be getting on with my life and not have her drama to contend with.
But I do pray that God saves her soul and heals her mental illness, as well as the physical illness she's caused herself.
I do not hate her, but I certainly do not like or trust her.
I went to bed last night and prayed for an hour until I finally fell asleep. Logan had a friend over and they stayed up all night, except for a 2 hour nap, so my sleep was disturbed and I did not rest well. I woke up this morning, knowing what I needed to do...But I drank a cup of tea, ate my breakfast, took pictures of my Morning Glories and Bell Flowers while all the while second guessing myself and making excuse after excuse. I sent out a couple of texts asking for advice from family & friend, but then when I went on Facebook again, there she was. Another childish, 'look at poor pitiful me' post.
That was it. I had had enough. So, I blocked my mother from my Facebook and I hope and pray that I never have to see or speak to her again.
Perhaps I will find the strength to write my life story here. I've not written much before because I feared my mother. But I will no longer allow her to control or manipulate me by fear. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless if it is true or a complete lie. It's been this way my entire life, so it's not anything new to me to have my mother spread vindictive lies.
But for now, I'll just sit back and breath a much needed sigh of relief.
I'm 50 years old now and it's way past time for me to be getting on with my life and not have her drama to contend with.
But I do pray that God saves her soul and heals her mental illness, as well as the physical illness she's caused herself.
I do not hate her, but I certainly do not like or trust her.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
What is Love?
What is love? What is it REALLY?
When you meet a special person and you 'fall' in love with them, or maybe you become friends and eventually grow to love them, what kind of love do you have?
Is it a self-serving kind of love, where you feel a strong tie and commitment to them because they flatter you with compliments and shower you with gifts? Does that love diminish and fade if the compliments cease and the gifts no longer arrive?
Is it a selfish love where you feel strongly for the person because of how they make YOU feel, what they do for YOU, how they make YOU look to others? Does this love die when you no longer feel satisfied in the relationship, when you no longer feel the other person is doing enough for you and for whatever reason the other person no longer causes you to look good in front of others?
Are these examples of REAL love?
(I'm not talking about abusive situations where one person causes danger to another person and the only means of safety is to flee the situation. So let's not even go there because that's a completely different topic.)
I'm talking about two people who claim to love each other, who commit to each other, create a home, have children, make a life and then...the love is replaced by some real or imagined hurt, then anger, followed by resentment, followed by hatred.
So my question is...Was it ever really love in the first place? Was it a love grounded in faith, selflessness and sacrificial giving of one's self to another simply because you truly loved them, and by truly loving the other person, you put their needs and their happiness ahead of your own because you loved them so much their happiness was more important to you than your own?
I Corinthians 13:
1. If I can speak in the tongues of men and even of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or clanging cymbal.
2. And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the devine will and purpose), and understand all knowledge, and if I have (sufficient) faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).
3. Even if I dole out all that I have (to the poor in providing) food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.
4. Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over in jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on it's own rights or it's own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong).
6. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening).
8. Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end)...{Prophecy will be fulfilled and pass away; tongues will be destroyed and cease; knowledge will pass away}...
13. And so faith, hope, love abide....But the greatest of these is LOVE.
[Amplified Bible]
THIS is LOVE! THIS is REAL love! Anything else is lust, narcissism, obsession or manipulation!
When you meet a special person and you 'fall' in love with them, or maybe you become friends and eventually grow to love them, what kind of love do you have?
Is it a self-serving kind of love, where you feel a strong tie and commitment to them because they flatter you with compliments and shower you with gifts? Does that love diminish and fade if the compliments cease and the gifts no longer arrive?
Is it a selfish love where you feel strongly for the person because of how they make YOU feel, what they do for YOU, how they make YOU look to others? Does this love die when you no longer feel satisfied in the relationship, when you no longer feel the other person is doing enough for you and for whatever reason the other person no longer causes you to look good in front of others?
Are these examples of REAL love?
(I'm not talking about abusive situations where one person causes danger to another person and the only means of safety is to flee the situation. So let's not even go there because that's a completely different topic.)
I'm talking about two people who claim to love each other, who commit to each other, create a home, have children, make a life and then...the love is replaced by some real or imagined hurt, then anger, followed by resentment, followed by hatred.
So my question is...Was it ever really love in the first place? Was it a love grounded in faith, selflessness and sacrificial giving of one's self to another simply because you truly loved them, and by truly loving the other person, you put their needs and their happiness ahead of your own because you loved them so much their happiness was more important to you than your own?
I Corinthians 13:
1. If I can speak in the tongues of men and even of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or clanging cymbal.
2. And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the devine will and purpose), and understand all knowledge, and if I have (sufficient) faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).
3. Even if I dole out all that I have (to the poor in providing) food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.
4. Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over in jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on it's own rights or it's own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong).
6. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening).
8. Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end)...{Prophecy will be fulfilled and pass away; tongues will be destroyed and cease; knowledge will pass away}...
13. And so faith, hope, love abide....But the greatest of these is LOVE.
[Amplified Bible]
THIS is LOVE! THIS is REAL love! Anything else is lust, narcissism, obsession or manipulation!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Finally...Yesterday is over!
June 22nd...a very emotional day for me.
June 22nd, 1982 I gave birth to my first child. I loved that baby like nothing else. Made many mistakes, but I tried. On December 25th, 2008 he stopped talking to me. I've not heard another word form him since that day. I went on to adopt his firstborn child who I had been caring for & had full custody of since the child was three. I look at this child, my third son now, and I see and I hear my first born many times. But on June 22nd, I remember that tiny sweet baby and I wonder what I could have done differently to keep him still loving me.
June 22nd, 1985, my son's 3rd birthday, a young man that I loved with all my heart was murdered. Our relationship had been troubled and wracked with interference, but we cared greatly for each other and exactly one week before his death he told me that we would be together. I laughed and told him, "Never. Not in a million years will I go back to you." His last words to me were, "Yes you will. I promise it. You just wait and see." News of his death that afternoon hit me harder than anything I've ever experienced, before or since. For weeks I merely existed.
This date has caused me pain for too many years, and then last year, I forgot it until a few hours before it was over. Of course, I was filled with guilt...
This year? I decided to work my ass off and keep myself busy, and that is exactly what I did! I did yard work, I did laundry, I rearranged my pantry, I cleaned out my dresser drawers, I installed a new door knob, I scrubbed the kitchen counters, I rearranged the contents of the freezers and I carried two huge garbage bags out to the dumpster.
My body is screaming, "ENOUGH!", but thankfully, yesterday has ended and I didn't shed a single tear! I can handle the physical pain and it is good.
Life is about living and loving, and it's also about loosing and pain. But sometimes it is necessary to keep your physical self so busy that your emotional self can't get a word in.
I'm glad yesterday is now over. I've got too many good and happy things to do and think about. I just don't have time to sit down and cry right now.
June 22nd, 1982 I gave birth to my first child. I loved that baby like nothing else. Made many mistakes, but I tried. On December 25th, 2008 he stopped talking to me. I've not heard another word form him since that day. I went on to adopt his firstborn child who I had been caring for & had full custody of since the child was three. I look at this child, my third son now, and I see and I hear my first born many times. But on June 22nd, I remember that tiny sweet baby and I wonder what I could have done differently to keep him still loving me.
June 22nd, 1985, my son's 3rd birthday, a young man that I loved with all my heart was murdered. Our relationship had been troubled and wracked with interference, but we cared greatly for each other and exactly one week before his death he told me that we would be together. I laughed and told him, "Never. Not in a million years will I go back to you." His last words to me were, "Yes you will. I promise it. You just wait and see." News of his death that afternoon hit me harder than anything I've ever experienced, before or since. For weeks I merely existed.
This date has caused me pain for too many years, and then last year, I forgot it until a few hours before it was over. Of course, I was filled with guilt...
This year? I decided to work my ass off and keep myself busy, and that is exactly what I did! I did yard work, I did laundry, I rearranged my pantry, I cleaned out my dresser drawers, I installed a new door knob, I scrubbed the kitchen counters, I rearranged the contents of the freezers and I carried two huge garbage bags out to the dumpster.
My body is screaming, "ENOUGH!", but thankfully, yesterday has ended and I didn't shed a single tear! I can handle the physical pain and it is good.
Life is about living and loving, and it's also about loosing and pain. But sometimes it is necessary to keep your physical self so busy that your emotional self can't get a word in.
I'm glad yesterday is now over. I've got too many good and happy things to do and think about. I just don't have time to sit down and cry right now.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Happy 50th Birthday To Me!
Happy 50th Birthday to me! Yes, I will celebrate it...I will brag about it...I will embrace it...and I will be grateful for it!
50 years...And I've seen a lot.
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 5. It was a completely personal and private thing that no one but my Savior and I were privy to. And it was a good thing because I would certainly come to need the Hand of Jesus in my life.
A childhood where abuse was present on more occasions than I'd like to remember.
Adolescence evolved into me hating myself because of the unchecked abuse and the constant bullying I suffered at school.
Teen years led me to rebel and exhibit self destructive habits and eventually a suicide attempt. Had it not been for a supernatural presence and a quiet voice speaking into my ear, I would not be here today!
The loss of a high school friend.
The most heinous of betrayals by another high school friend.
Escaping home the only way I knew how.
My first child 2 weeks past my 19th birthday.
Leaving, and then divorcing my abusive 1rst husband a couple of days before my 21rst birthday.
Meeting & falling in love for the very first time a few months later.
A volatile relationship which ended suddenly and resulted in the loss of my 2nd child and initiated my 2nd suicide attempt. 10 months of playing cat & mouse with the one I loved which ended only with his murder...on the 3rd birthday of my first child & inadvertently led to my having an emotional 'breakdown'.
More familial abuse followed for the next 2 years, as well as the birth of my 3rd child, 2nd son. It was during this time that Jesus and my faith in God saw me through many a dark and lonely day & night! I surrendered myself to Christ during this time and He saw me through. He eventually led me to my present, REAL husband...My savior in human form!
The next few years produced our daughter, my fourth child...as well as a lot of hell. Marriage wasn't easy...I had my 'baggage' and he had his, plus the familial rumor mill ran rampart...and to this day there are those who still cling to the old lies and bullshit.
I went through major depression. I considered suicide more times than I will admit. But I somehow made it through those years, doing the best I knew how to do with very little support or help from anyone save God.
And then one day, a couple months after my 38th birthday, I became a grandmother! I had been born to be a grandma! I loved that child even before he was born, and after his birth, I was the only person who he ever bonded with. Things were bad in his little life and I found myself in the toughest battle of my life!
Maybe it was because I had been abused myself...I just don't know...but I knew he was suffering from abuse and I fought harder, louder and without regret or remorse. Sadly, I was right and I gained custody of this child, and later adopted him.
But it hasn't been without sacrifices. I lost my oldest son because I refused to abandon my grandchild, HIS biological child. I lost my granddaughter, my grandson's half sister because of my son's hatred.
My life was threatened repeatedly and for 4 solid years we lived in fear. We ended up selling our farm, our beautiful 100 year old house, my lush gardens, my beloved horses and my chickens...just to get away from the constant fear AND the financial stress the attorney fees had placed on us. It was hard on all of us, and I still miss that place and my horses, but the peace & safety we have found truly makes up for all of it.
But my health suffered...I developed high blood pressure, low blood sugar and added a total of 70 pounds! My stress level has been through the roof because my now adopted son can be a handful: Partly because since we sold our farm, my husband has had to work away from home and I suddenly become a 'single parent' due to the necessity of a pay check, and partly because my son suffers from ADD & impulsive behavior caused by a neurological disorder, thanks to his meth addict egg donor.
But somehow I managed to not have a stroke or heart attack, and in the last three months I've lost almost 30 pounds. Also, from about the age of 40 and my premature completion of menopause, the deep depression went away. I learned how to pray scriptures over my life and I learned how to love me, for me. I learned how to speak up and out for myself and those I love. I stopped being so afraid of offending others at the price of my own feelings and beliefs. I learned that I am okay, maybe not everyone's 'cup of tea', but just right for those who know me and love me.
My marriage also improved greatly over the past 12 years, as did my own self image. My husband is now my best friend and partner in all things, not just 'marriage'.
And so, here I am...50 years old. Wife to one man for going on 26 years. Mother to four living children. Grandmother to 4. Friend to just a few, but quality will always be more important to me than quality!
I am loved by some, hated by many, and even feared by a few who have felt my wrath!
And I am okay with that. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for injustices done to those I love, and I don't give up or give in.
And I fight for my God, my beliefs, my faith because without those three things, I would not be here now.
I am grateful to God for yet another year gone and another day ahead of me.
My paternal grandmother died in her sleep 3 months after her 50th birthday. My maternal grandmother died a few months after her 90th birthday. I pray for 40 more years to see my children, my grandchildren and my great grandchildren. But if God gives me just one more day, then I am grateful.
This life has been eventful, to say the least. It has never been easy and rarely without drama, but it is MY life and I've lived it the best I knew how. Despite all of the pain and ugliness I've lived through, it's been a good 50 years...I am BLESSED beyond measure and my cup most certainly runneth over!
Thank you, Jesus, for saving my soul and saving my life. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me what you said you would that night when I was 15 years old and on the brink of death after I had swallowed that bottle of pills. Those children are beautiful, wonderful children, this man has turned out to be the love of my life and these grandkids are truly gifts from Heaven above!
My hope remains in YOU, Father in Heaven. You are the most wonderful thing that my life has ever experienced!
Happy 50th Birthday to me, Jennifer Diane, born in the afternoon of June 1rst, 1963 at Cleveland Hospital, Cleveland, Texas!
50 years...And I've seen a lot.
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 5. It was a completely personal and private thing that no one but my Savior and I were privy to. And it was a good thing because I would certainly come to need the Hand of Jesus in my life.
A childhood where abuse was present on more occasions than I'd like to remember.
Adolescence evolved into me hating myself because of the unchecked abuse and the constant bullying I suffered at school.
Teen years led me to rebel and exhibit self destructive habits and eventually a suicide attempt. Had it not been for a supernatural presence and a quiet voice speaking into my ear, I would not be here today!
The loss of a high school friend.
The most heinous of betrayals by another high school friend.
Escaping home the only way I knew how.
My first child 2 weeks past my 19th birthday.
Leaving, and then divorcing my abusive 1rst husband a couple of days before my 21rst birthday.
Meeting & falling in love for the very first time a few months later.
A volatile relationship which ended suddenly and resulted in the loss of my 2nd child and initiated my 2nd suicide attempt. 10 months of playing cat & mouse with the one I loved which ended only with his murder...on the 3rd birthday of my first child & inadvertently led to my having an emotional 'breakdown'.
More familial abuse followed for the next 2 years, as well as the birth of my 3rd child, 2nd son. It was during this time that Jesus and my faith in God saw me through many a dark and lonely day & night! I surrendered myself to Christ during this time and He saw me through. He eventually led me to my present, REAL husband...My savior in human form!
The next few years produced our daughter, my fourth child...as well as a lot of hell. Marriage wasn't easy...I had my 'baggage' and he had his, plus the familial rumor mill ran rampart...and to this day there are those who still cling to the old lies and bullshit.
I went through major depression. I considered suicide more times than I will admit. But I somehow made it through those years, doing the best I knew how to do with very little support or help from anyone save God.
And then one day, a couple months after my 38th birthday, I became a grandmother! I had been born to be a grandma! I loved that child even before he was born, and after his birth, I was the only person who he ever bonded with. Things were bad in his little life and I found myself in the toughest battle of my life!
Maybe it was because I had been abused myself...I just don't know...but I knew he was suffering from abuse and I fought harder, louder and without regret or remorse. Sadly, I was right and I gained custody of this child, and later adopted him.
But it hasn't been without sacrifices. I lost my oldest son because I refused to abandon my grandchild, HIS biological child. I lost my granddaughter, my grandson's half sister because of my son's hatred.
My life was threatened repeatedly and for 4 solid years we lived in fear. We ended up selling our farm, our beautiful 100 year old house, my lush gardens, my beloved horses and my chickens...just to get away from the constant fear AND the financial stress the attorney fees had placed on us. It was hard on all of us, and I still miss that place and my horses, but the peace & safety we have found truly makes up for all of it.
But my health suffered...I developed high blood pressure, low blood sugar and added a total of 70 pounds! My stress level has been through the roof because my now adopted son can be a handful: Partly because since we sold our farm, my husband has had to work away from home and I suddenly become a 'single parent' due to the necessity of a pay check, and partly because my son suffers from ADD & impulsive behavior caused by a neurological disorder, thanks to his meth addict egg donor.
But somehow I managed to not have a stroke or heart attack, and in the last three months I've lost almost 30 pounds. Also, from about the age of 40 and my premature completion of menopause, the deep depression went away. I learned how to pray scriptures over my life and I learned how to love me, for me. I learned how to speak up and out for myself and those I love. I stopped being so afraid of offending others at the price of my own feelings and beliefs. I learned that I am okay, maybe not everyone's 'cup of tea', but just right for those who know me and love me.
My marriage also improved greatly over the past 12 years, as did my own self image. My husband is now my best friend and partner in all things, not just 'marriage'.
And so, here I am...50 years old. Wife to one man for going on 26 years. Mother to four living children. Grandmother to 4. Friend to just a few, but quality will always be more important to me than quality!
I am loved by some, hated by many, and even feared by a few who have felt my wrath!
And I am okay with that. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for injustices done to those I love, and I don't give up or give in.
And I fight for my God, my beliefs, my faith because without those three things, I would not be here now.
I am grateful to God for yet another year gone and another day ahead of me.
My paternal grandmother died in her sleep 3 months after her 50th birthday. My maternal grandmother died a few months after her 90th birthday. I pray for 40 more years to see my children, my grandchildren and my great grandchildren. But if God gives me just one more day, then I am grateful.
This life has been eventful, to say the least. It has never been easy and rarely without drama, but it is MY life and I've lived it the best I knew how. Despite all of the pain and ugliness I've lived through, it's been a good 50 years...I am BLESSED beyond measure and my cup most certainly runneth over!
Thank you, Jesus, for saving my soul and saving my life. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me what you said you would that night when I was 15 years old and on the brink of death after I had swallowed that bottle of pills. Those children are beautiful, wonderful children, this man has turned out to be the love of my life and these grandkids are truly gifts from Heaven above!
My hope remains in YOU, Father in Heaven. You are the most wonderful thing that my life has ever experienced!
Happy 50th Birthday to me, Jennifer Diane, born in the afternoon of June 1rst, 1963 at Cleveland Hospital, Cleveland, Texas!
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