Thoughts...

We moved to Kingsland, TX 28.5 months ago and I had such high hopes at the time. I thought the schools would be great and I thought I'd find & make friends, find a good church that we could be a 'family' with, I thought Larry would be able to make it home more often...But none of that has happened. The school was a nightmare for Logan. I've only been able to make a grand total of four friends. The churches are not particularly friendly, nor very welcoming. Larry rarely gets home. And even though we are surrounded by lakes? There isn't a single good place to go to bank fish! Not one!
So, a year a go we put this place on the market after discussing it for months. We've had several offers, but financing has always stopped the sell. And now we suddenly have a cash buyer who wants to close and wants us out PRONTO! That alone scares me!
For a year we've tossed around where we would go...Before we bought this property we wanted to buy in Sanderson, but when it got time to buy there was nothing available in our price range, so we pretty much settled for this one...Well, we thought about here and we thought about there, but we just kept coming back to Sanderson.
Small town in the middle of nowhere. Small highly rated schools. Near our property. An easy drive to and from for Larry. A rail road track & mountains. And now, best of all, several homes within our price range.
Well, I am in process of writing a contract to buy a home I've wanted for a year now...and I am scared.
Am I doing the right thing? Will the school be a good fit for Logan? Will I find and make friends? Will I find a good church family? Will I be able to adapt to the distance from shopping, medical care, family back in East Texas? But more importantly, will this deal even fly???
Perhaps that is the basis for my fears...Will this deal even go through?
And then, will this house be the right one?

I've wanted to be out there since I was a child and now that the possibility is so close, you'd think I'd be excited...and yet all I feel is this FEAR!
I want to cry because it looks like we might be leaving. Not so much for myself, but for the good friends Logan has made and how much he will miss them.

So, tonight I'm praying that if this is the Will of God, that He allows everything to fall into place perfectly and everything to go smoothly and without a hitch. But if it is NOT the Will of God, that He allows it all to fall through and quickly so...because I only have 10 days till close!

Thoughts of a Loner

Have you ever woke up in the morning, thanked God for allowing you to see just one more day, but by evening, when you lay your head down upon your pillow, you find yourself kind of hoping He forgets to wake you the next morning?

Some people spend their lives surrounded by a host of family and friends, people they can lean to and lean on at any given moment within any given period of any given day, and rarely do they have to face their inner scars or wounds alone. They call this network of people their 'support' and they are blessed to be able to have that, nourish that, claim that.

And then, there are people like me who have been burned, backstabbed, throat slit by so many we trusted that we learn the hardest, but most valuable lesson of all: The only two things we can ever trust or rely on in this life are The Holy Trinity of God and ourselves. Nothing more.

We struggle through this life in our weakness, appearing strong and outgoing to outsiders who have not a clue as to how incredibly alone and weak we truly are.

We get to know ourselves on a level that few will ever understand, possibly even be unable to handle if they did. When we look in the mirror, we don't see skin and eyes and hair and teeth. We see attributes and flaws in our character. We see our deepest desires and our darkest of secrets. We see the youthful resiliency and the scarred and deformed areas of our soul. We see our lost loves, our failed hopes and our dying dreams. We see those things we love and cherish and hold dear to our hearts, our still viable hopes, our still possible dreams. We also see how futile and unimportant we are in the total and complete grand scheme of things...because we know that we will never rise above the loneliness that our past wounds have sentenced us to.

And, though we may wake up in the early morning dawn and give thanks to God for waking us up and allowing us just one more day in this beautiful world, by the end of the treacherous day we lay our heads down upon our pillows and just before we close our eyes...our last thought is that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be so bad if God forgot to wake us the following morning...

You WILL respect my marriage!

Let's get something PERFECTLY clear so that there will be NO doubt in the future.
I am married. I am happy being married. I have MANY years invested in this union, this covenant, and I do not wish to mess that up, nor will I allow anyone else to, either.
Not only is my husband my Love, he is also my best friend and I share everything with him.
So, please remember this and respect not only my marriage, but my husband and myself...or I will make your life a living nightmare!
That's a promise!

Everything has it's place

I know that everything created by God has a purpose in this Garden we call Earth.
Maggots eat dead flesh & fecal matter which can contain deadly bacteria and they grow up to become adult flies, who lay more eggs and create more maggots. Spiders eat flies. Scorpions eat spiders. (I have NO idea what eats scorpions, but I'd like to have a few of them...maybe?) Not sure what benefit rats & mice have, but snakes eat rats & mice, and I think that's cool because I hate rats & mice more than I hate snakes...except for venomous snakes, and king snakes eat them. Badgers and hawks, ferrets and swine eat snakes. Then bigger, faster animals and fowl eat them. Mountain lions, wolves & coyotes eat whatever they can find and man kills them so the maggots can eat. Man also eats deer, rabbit, beef, swine, lamb, etc.
Then there are the plants and trees and grasses and roots. Some are edible, some are medicinal, some make us feel better than we do...those are usually illegal...Some are used for warmth, for covering, for tools, for storage. Others are used for coloring and scent, beauty and comfort.
Every animal & fowl, including man, has a special place in the garden. Some live better in the north, some in the south, still others in the east and others still in the west. Some are made for the desert, and others are made for the sea. Some are made for the plains, while others are made for the mountains. Some live exclusively in the dense forest. Some live exclusively in the swamps.
But everything God created has a place in this Garden. Everything.
There is even a place in the Garden for evil...For without evil, there would be no indicator of good. There would be no scale to measure and there would be no true balance in life.

Crazy Night, Scary Morning...

What a crazy night Thursday was! What a scary morning Friday was!!!
I dreamed the entire time I slept. I believe I dreamt about everyone I know, and then some, and yet I can't recall exactly what the dream was about. Just that it exhausted me.
And then, I awoke choking and trying to get air. My wheezing was loud, sounded much like an ocean fog horn, and it scares the living hell out of me when this happens.
This hasn't happened since March, so my inhaler was not easily accessible, but it really wouldn't have mattered because there was no air coming in or getting out.
This feeling is REAL! It's FEAR, Panic, almost hysteria...until I can finally fight and struggle enough to get a tiny bit of air out, then slowly back in.
Because I am writing this almost 24 hours later, will prove that I did manage to overcome those blocked airways...But it ruined my day. Always does.
It drains me...one, from the intense fear of choking to death, and the other because it is so physically draining to my body.
I hate being vulnerable and I hate being helpless even more...

My Dryden, Texas Home...

I long for the quiet solitude of the remoteness of my true home...Where I can feel the Voice of God upon the wind as it stirs the desert grasses, bends the thorny branches of the mesquite and sweeps the dust across the land for miles...Where I can stand, looking out over a draw and miles beyond, seeing nothing, yet seeing so very much...Where the white hawk takes flight, flying low before me, making eye contact as it glides by in search of it's next meal...Where the sun rises on any given morning, painting the Eastern sky as only the Hand of God can do, taking my breath away while instilling me with promises of yet another day to live, to love, to laugh, to hope...Where the sun slowly settles in the West, as God's Hand paints another masterpiece that reminds me that He is still in control, and blessing me with the knowledge that He gave me yet another day to live on this earth...Where the night skies are filled with a million stars and the Milky Way reminds me of just how big my God truly is...Where the wind lies down at night to rest, soft breezes caressing my tired body to sleep, like a mother comforting her child...
It is a lonely place, yet I never feel alone there. It is a place I feel I am supposed to be...I love to arrive there, always hate to leave...and when I am done with this body and my life on this earth is complete, I pray my ashes will be scattered across this land by the wind that I love so deeply!

Battling myself...

Anger. Rage, Frustration. Aggravation. Irritation.
Equals...
STRESS!
Not always sure which way to go with it, and I can't run away from it, so I fight. Back me in a corner, and like a wounded dog, I'm gonna bite, even the very hand that might be trying to help me.
I know this is wrong. I wish it were not so. But it is my most basic instinct. Not something I seem to have much control over, as I've yet to gain control over it after all these years of reacting.
I'm not a bad person. I don't walk around all day seeking what person to inflict evil upon. I have a conscience. I have a heart. I do have compassion.
Yet, wound me and my bite is truly worse than any bark or growl I might utter.
I end up eating a diet which consists mainly of crow. It is not a meal I favor, yet one I've grown so used to, I resign myself to the knowledge that it is my staple, and will continue to be so for as long as I allow myself to fall victim in a corner.

I pray for help from my God. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for positive growth and maturity, a heart ruled by love and compassion instead of a heart oppressed by hurt, filled with anger, retaliatory in rage.
For I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that unless God intervenes and heals me, this 'STRESS' will most surely kill me...