Thursday, February 6, 2014
Illegitimi non carborundum
The English translation of 'Illegitimi non carborundum'? Don't let the bastards wear you down.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
"I thought I had enough time."
I was six and a half years old the first time I ever lost anyone close to me. I was not allowed to grieve as I should have been allowed to do, nor did a single person set down with me and explain anything. My little brother and I were sent away for a few days and on the way to where we were being sent, the relative in the front seat said, when I asked her for the 10th time why we were going to her house when I had school the next day, "Your grandmother died this morning. Do you know what die means?" I knew what die meant, but I didn't know which grandmother, so I asked in a shaky voice, "Grandmother or Nanny?" She said, "Oh, that's right. You called her Nanny. Now don't you cry because your Nanny has gone to live with Jesus and if you're a good little girl you'll see her again one day." Well, I didn't care where she had gone or who she'd gone to live with. She was my Nanny and I wanted her to stay in my world and be where I could see her, touch her, hear her, smell her and love her. And even though that relative ordered me not to cry, I sat in the back seat of that car and quietly cried from Splendora to Houston, and many times since over the next forty-four years.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her. So many things I needed her to tell me. But it was too late because early one March morning in 1970, just 3 months after her 50th birthday, she left this earth and moved up to Heaven.
Some years later, I would lose a young friend due to an accidental gunshot wound. Friday afternoon I watched him get off the school bus, but by Monday morning he was gone. He was 10.
The next year a 19 year old friend, who I had a 16 year old's crush on, drowned in the lake in front of his house. A few minutes before midnight we had stopped and talked on the road near his house. An hour later his body was found tangled up in trot lines in the lake. He had gone out in the boat alone to run the lines when he got tangled, was pulled overboard and drowned. He was a life guard & had won trophies on his high school swim team, and yet...He lost his life in the water he loved so dearly.
A year later a school friend, a young mother, died in an automobile accident over the Christmas Holidays. She was there one day, missing the next morning and found later that day. She was 18.
My first true love...Saw him just after midnight on June 15th, 1985. He teased me and got me riled and left laughing & grinning at me. One week later, June 22nd, 1985, in the wee hours of the morning, he was dead. He was 21.
I had a sweet, wonderful friend. He meant the world to me, but our paths would take different directions, though we will remain linked forever. Due to people and circumstances, I had no further contact with him, but at one point I did send him a message. I wasn't sure if he'd gotten that message for years later. And then, things changed and I reached out to him only to discover months later that he had passed away...at the age of 40. I soon found out that he had gotten my message and I was angry at him for not ever making contact. And then, last night I dreamed of him.
Not once before last night have I ever dreamed of this friend, and yet, from out of the blue he shows up in my dream...His same sweet, easy going, teasing me, self. He told me why he was there and when he saw my shocked expression he said, "It's not as if you told me." Then he laughed and said, "I'm just messing with you. I got the message and I've known all along." I asked, "Then why didn't you come around or say something?" He smiled sadly and shrugged, then said, "I thought I had enough time."
Suddenly my anger was replaced with sadness and understanding because I know exactly what he meant.
How many times do I postpone something because I think I will have enough time to do it or say it later? And how many people have I lost in my life who postponed saying and doing things because they thought they had enough time, only to realize in their final moments that they had no more time left? No time left to say all the things they should have said, done all the things they should have done, shown all the kindnesses and love that they should have shown? No time to left to live, period.
Some people accuse me of talking too much, writing too much, maybe even interacting too much on social media. They say that I should 'tone it down' and 'just shut up and be quiet'. They say that not everyone wants to hear or read everything I have to say and I am just an annoyance. I have even been told, "Just wait about saying anything. You can do it later."
But I say...What if I don't get a 'later'? What if this moment is all the time God is going to allow me to have? What if there is someone out there who needs to hear my words or read them? What if there is something that I have to say that touches someone, makes them laugh, makes them think, makes them realize just how important they are to me? And, what if I write or say something that actually helps someone, even if it is only causing them to smile during a very mean day?
My Nanny didn't get a 'later'. Neither did Ronnie, Kelly, Dan, William or Weldon. I am sure that each of them would tell their family & friends, "I thought I had enough time."
So, just in case I don't have enough time, let me say this now:
If you are reading this, thank you. I truly appreciate the time you've taken to read my words. I write as much for you as I do for me because without you as a reader there would be no words worth writing.
Tell those that you love that you do, and do it NOW. Stop postponing things. Just say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, show what needs to be shown, and do it immediately. Don't put it off until you are suddenly faced with the fact that there is no more time for you to say or do or show. Don't make it necessary for a ghost to come back to you while you sleep to say, "I thought I had enough time." to remind you that time is an uncertain gift and this very moment is all that you are assured.
May God bless you!
There were so many things I wanted to tell her. So many things I needed her to tell me. But it was too late because early one March morning in 1970, just 3 months after her 50th birthday, she left this earth and moved up to Heaven.
Some years later, I would lose a young friend due to an accidental gunshot wound. Friday afternoon I watched him get off the school bus, but by Monday morning he was gone. He was 10.
The next year a 19 year old friend, who I had a 16 year old's crush on, drowned in the lake in front of his house. A few minutes before midnight we had stopped and talked on the road near his house. An hour later his body was found tangled up in trot lines in the lake. He had gone out in the boat alone to run the lines when he got tangled, was pulled overboard and drowned. He was a life guard & had won trophies on his high school swim team, and yet...He lost his life in the water he loved so dearly.
A year later a school friend, a young mother, died in an automobile accident over the Christmas Holidays. She was there one day, missing the next morning and found later that day. She was 18.
My first true love...Saw him just after midnight on June 15th, 1985. He teased me and got me riled and left laughing & grinning at me. One week later, June 22nd, 1985, in the wee hours of the morning, he was dead. He was 21.
I had a sweet, wonderful friend. He meant the world to me, but our paths would take different directions, though we will remain linked forever. Due to people and circumstances, I had no further contact with him, but at one point I did send him a message. I wasn't sure if he'd gotten that message for years later. And then, things changed and I reached out to him only to discover months later that he had passed away...at the age of 40. I soon found out that he had gotten my message and I was angry at him for not ever making contact. And then, last night I dreamed of him.
Not once before last night have I ever dreamed of this friend, and yet, from out of the blue he shows up in my dream...His same sweet, easy going, teasing me, self. He told me why he was there and when he saw my shocked expression he said, "It's not as if you told me." Then he laughed and said, "I'm just messing with you. I got the message and I've known all along." I asked, "Then why didn't you come around or say something?" He smiled sadly and shrugged, then said, "I thought I had enough time."
Suddenly my anger was replaced with sadness and understanding because I know exactly what he meant.
How many times do I postpone something because I think I will have enough time to do it or say it later? And how many people have I lost in my life who postponed saying and doing things because they thought they had enough time, only to realize in their final moments that they had no more time left? No time left to say all the things they should have said, done all the things they should have done, shown all the kindnesses and love that they should have shown? No time to left to live, period.
Some people accuse me of talking too much, writing too much, maybe even interacting too much on social media. They say that I should 'tone it down' and 'just shut up and be quiet'. They say that not everyone wants to hear or read everything I have to say and I am just an annoyance. I have even been told, "Just wait about saying anything. You can do it later."
But I say...What if I don't get a 'later'? What if this moment is all the time God is going to allow me to have? What if there is someone out there who needs to hear my words or read them? What if there is something that I have to say that touches someone, makes them laugh, makes them think, makes them realize just how important they are to me? And, what if I write or say something that actually helps someone, even if it is only causing them to smile during a very mean day?
My Nanny didn't get a 'later'. Neither did Ronnie, Kelly, Dan, William or Weldon. I am sure that each of them would tell their family & friends, "I thought I had enough time."
So, just in case I don't have enough time, let me say this now:
If you are reading this, thank you. I truly appreciate the time you've taken to read my words. I write as much for you as I do for me because without you as a reader there would be no words worth writing.
Tell those that you love that you do, and do it NOW. Stop postponing things. Just say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, show what needs to be shown, and do it immediately. Don't put it off until you are suddenly faced with the fact that there is no more time for you to say or do or show. Don't make it necessary for a ghost to come back to you while you sleep to say, "I thought I had enough time." to remind you that time is an uncertain gift and this very moment is all that you are assured.
May God bless you!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Mean People
I guess that I will never understand why people can be so mean to other people; why people can just be mean, period.
I understand anger. I understand being so frustrated, irritated, annoyed and pissed that one forgets their manners and acts like an ass. I can understand fear and I can understand rage and I can understand hatred. I can even understand jealousy and envy.
However, I can not understand meanness.
I wonder if there are just some people born mean. Perhaps there is some short in the genetic wiring, some ugly hardening of one's heart before birth. Maybe something bad happened to them when they were little bitty people and they lacked the strength and motivation to rise above the bad stuff and allowed it to drown them in badness. ???
I simply do not understand this, nor do I comprehend it.
If I do or say something mean spirited, I KNOW, and then, I feel terrible and in most instances, I go back and beg forgiveness because I KNOW what I did or said was WRONG.
But, mean people seem to lack this ability. Or, maybe, they just don't care.
I have also noticed that these mean people tend to hang around with other mean people and once these two are together, the meanness turns evil and they become bullies, maiming and murdering people in their cross-hairs with orgasmic abandon.
I just don't understand this meanness. Maybe if I understood it, I could accept it; but if I accept it, wouldn't that open a door for their meanness to get into me as well?
I think I will be better off not understanding these mean people and instead of trying to figure out why they are mean, maybe I should figure out ways to stay as far away from them as possible as an act of self preservation!
I have been bullied and harmed by mean people to the point that my first desire is to be mean back. But what would that accomplish, aside from making me as bad as them? It would accomplish nothing BUT that.
So, I wander away from them, and I hope and I pray that my path is so confusing to them that they give up the chase and leave me alone. And then, I pray for them because they truly need God...and by doing so, God gives me peace and protection.
But it's not easy because mean people make me angry.
I understand anger...But I often wonder, do THEY understand my anger?
If they don't, they should.
But if I will never understand why people can be so mean to other people, I doubt that these mean people will ever understand when they have pushed to hard & crossed the lines.
I understand anger. I understand being so frustrated, irritated, annoyed and pissed that one forgets their manners and acts like an ass. I can understand fear and I can understand rage and I can understand hatred. I can even understand jealousy and envy.
However, I can not understand meanness.
I wonder if there are just some people born mean. Perhaps there is some short in the genetic wiring, some ugly hardening of one's heart before birth. Maybe something bad happened to them when they were little bitty people and they lacked the strength and motivation to rise above the bad stuff and allowed it to drown them in badness. ???
I simply do not understand this, nor do I comprehend it.
If I do or say something mean spirited, I KNOW, and then, I feel terrible and in most instances, I go back and beg forgiveness because I KNOW what I did or said was WRONG.
But, mean people seem to lack this ability. Or, maybe, they just don't care.
I have also noticed that these mean people tend to hang around with other mean people and once these two are together, the meanness turns evil and they become bullies, maiming and murdering people in their cross-hairs with orgasmic abandon.
I just don't understand this meanness. Maybe if I understood it, I could accept it; but if I accept it, wouldn't that open a door for their meanness to get into me as well?
I think I will be better off not understanding these mean people and instead of trying to figure out why they are mean, maybe I should figure out ways to stay as far away from them as possible as an act of self preservation!
I have been bullied and harmed by mean people to the point that my first desire is to be mean back. But what would that accomplish, aside from making me as bad as them? It would accomplish nothing BUT that.
So, I wander away from them, and I hope and I pray that my path is so confusing to them that they give up the chase and leave me alone. And then, I pray for them because they truly need God...and by doing so, God gives me peace and protection.
But it's not easy because mean people make me angry.
I understand anger...But I often wonder, do THEY understand my anger?
If they don't, they should.
But if I will never understand why people can be so mean to other people, I doubt that these mean people will ever understand when they have pushed to hard & crossed the lines.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
My eldest child
I did not walk away from my eldest son. I did not 'get mad at him' and sever ties with him. That is an out and out LIE and anyone who claims it is a damned LIAR!
My eldest son and his wife hate me for keeping tabs on and eventually gaining custody of my eldest son's child, my first grandchild. They wanted me to forget him and abandon him as they did. They wanted me to leave him in an abusive situation as they did and they have said that I was 'crazy' and worse because I would not do as they did.
But I could not do that and I did not. My original goal was to gain custody of my grandchild in order that my son and his new wife could take him and raise him as they should have done. But they refused and not only lied about me, but lied about this precious child. My husband and I were finally able to adopt this child because we loved him and he deserved a good, safe and loving home. He did not create himself and he did not deserve to be mistreated and abandoned as he had been.
But still, I tried to keep in touch with my eldest son. I called him, I went to see him, I did everything to keep the relationship going because...I love my eldest child. But he wouldn't return my phone calls and he wasn't particularly happy to see me if I arrived at his home. But still I tried, even after I heard the lies they were telling about me. I still tried.
But on Christmas morning of 2008 I called my eldest child to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas and I heard him tell his wife in the background, "I don't want to talk to her. Why doesn't she just leave me alone." When he did finally come to the phone, all he did was mumble and at that time I said, with a broken heart, "I love you. I always have and I always will. I want only the best for you and if you ever need me or want me in your life, you know where I'm at. But I will not bother you again because I know it upsets you. I love you." And that was it. Since that day, I have heard not a single word from he or his wife.
I did NOT sever ties. Instead, I put that choice in his hands and he is the one who has left me...and his two siblings...and his first born child.
And if you think that I take this mildly, you would be wrong. This breaks my heart over and over again.
I would never sever ties with any child I gave birth to. NEVER! But I do respect their choices, even if it kills me inside because I am not a stalker and because I love them.
My eldest son and his wife hate me for keeping tabs on and eventually gaining custody of my eldest son's child, my first grandchild. They wanted me to forget him and abandon him as they did. They wanted me to leave him in an abusive situation as they did and they have said that I was 'crazy' and worse because I would not do as they did.
But I could not do that and I did not. My original goal was to gain custody of my grandchild in order that my son and his new wife could take him and raise him as they should have done. But they refused and not only lied about me, but lied about this precious child. My husband and I were finally able to adopt this child because we loved him and he deserved a good, safe and loving home. He did not create himself and he did not deserve to be mistreated and abandoned as he had been.
But still, I tried to keep in touch with my eldest son. I called him, I went to see him, I did everything to keep the relationship going because...I love my eldest child. But he wouldn't return my phone calls and he wasn't particularly happy to see me if I arrived at his home. But still I tried, even after I heard the lies they were telling about me. I still tried.
But on Christmas morning of 2008 I called my eldest child to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas and I heard him tell his wife in the background, "I don't want to talk to her. Why doesn't she just leave me alone." When he did finally come to the phone, all he did was mumble and at that time I said, with a broken heart, "I love you. I always have and I always will. I want only the best for you and if you ever need me or want me in your life, you know where I'm at. But I will not bother you again because I know it upsets you. I love you." And that was it. Since that day, I have heard not a single word from he or his wife.
I did NOT sever ties. Instead, I put that choice in his hands and he is the one who has left me...and his two siblings...and his first born child.
And if you think that I take this mildly, you would be wrong. This breaks my heart over and over again.
I would never sever ties with any child I gave birth to. NEVER! But I do respect their choices, even if it kills me inside because I am not a stalker and because I love them.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Follow up to previous post...
I have decided to write a little follow up concerning my previous post as I have received some pretty accusatory remarks as to my motivation. For those that truly know me, my motivation has not been questioned. Unfortunately, that is not the case for all. I don't really owe anyone an explanation aside from my God, my husband and my children. However, since the letter has been made public, I might as well make the motivation public.
#1. Writing this letter to my mother and finally severing all ties with her after 50 years, 3 months and 8 days of this confusing, unpredictable relationship was by and far one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not THE hardest, but right up there next to it. I prayed about this, (YES, I most certainly did PRAY!), I cried over this, and it took me YEARS to gather the courage to write it. Twenty years ago while undergoing therapy for PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Co-Dependent Disorder, I was strongly advised to write this letter and I did not. I was scared of that woman. She had made me believe from an early age that she could hurt hurt me and that she could kill me. She still scares me because I know that she is mentally unstable and can be violent when pushed, but I am standing up to that fear now because I must. This letter was a part of my therapy, an integral part of my healing and subsequent healing...LONG OVERDUE!
#2. I did NOT write this letter as revenge. I did not make this letter public out of revenge and for anyone to claim otherwise is quiet simply ludicrous. Since this letter was written it has been available for anyone to read and I warned her that she had better repeat the letter word for word as it could be, would be read by others. She apparently did not believe me and she should have. I make no idle threats, but I most certainly do keep my promises. I also told her that she had crossed the line when she messed with my child, but apparently she forgot that as well. This letter was made public so that anyone could read word for word what I had written and at least they would know what I REALLY said.
#3. It has been said that I just need to 'let this go' and I really wish I could do so quickly. Unfortunately, no one who has ever been in the position that I was in has ever been able to 'let go' quickly. Healing is a process...A deep wound is caused and it is never allowed to heal properly. It festers and becomes infected. Sometimes proud flesh evolves, sometimes gangrene sets in, and sometimes a portion has to be removed in order that the wound can have a chance to heal. Once it begins to heal, it can not do so overnight. Based on how severe, how deep, how wide and how gangrenous the wound was, the healing can take weeks, months, even years to heal. And during that time, the last thing that needs to happen is any type of trauma to that wound or near it, or else the wound can reopen and the process must begin again.
I am going through a healing process right now and it will not happen quickly. There are steps that must be taken, areas that must be cleansed, pieces that must be scraped away to make way for healthy tissue to grow.
If this makes you uncomfortable, then that is YOUR problem. I have enough to deal with without having to be reprimanded for doing what I have been advised to do, for doing what my heart, mind and soul told me I needed to do a long, long time ago.
This is the story of MY life and this is MY blog where I can write whatsoever I choose to write. I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't believe it or lack the ability to comprehend it. GOD knows that my words are true. GOD knows the pain in my heart. GOD knows my motivations...And GOD is the ONLY being that has been with me from day one!
Abuse in ANY form is bad, but abuse on a continual basis for years upon years is downright evil and the only way to deal with evil is to shine light upon it and bring the secrets that have held us bondage out into the open for ALL to see.
Besides, if revenge had been my motivation I would have sent those filthy pictures off to Hustler, or some other filthy magazine, and made a little money so I wouldn't have had to live in my danged car for three weeks back in '81 when she kicked me out of the house and told me that I couldn't go to family for help because they all hated me.
But as hard as all of this has been, I regret not doing so because revenge would have been a heck of a lot easier!
#1. Writing this letter to my mother and finally severing all ties with her after 50 years, 3 months and 8 days of this confusing, unpredictable relationship was by and far one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not THE hardest, but right up there next to it. I prayed about this, (YES, I most certainly did PRAY!), I cried over this, and it took me YEARS to gather the courage to write it. Twenty years ago while undergoing therapy for PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Co-Dependent Disorder, I was strongly advised to write this letter and I did not. I was scared of that woman. She had made me believe from an early age that she could hurt hurt me and that she could kill me. She still scares me because I know that she is mentally unstable and can be violent when pushed, but I am standing up to that fear now because I must. This letter was a part of my therapy, an integral part of my healing and subsequent healing...LONG OVERDUE!
#2. I did NOT write this letter as revenge. I did not make this letter public out of revenge and for anyone to claim otherwise is quiet simply ludicrous. Since this letter was written it has been available for anyone to read and I warned her that she had better repeat the letter word for word as it could be, would be read by others. She apparently did not believe me and she should have. I make no idle threats, but I most certainly do keep my promises. I also told her that she had crossed the line when she messed with my child, but apparently she forgot that as well. This letter was made public so that anyone could read word for word what I had written and at least they would know what I REALLY said.
#3. It has been said that I just need to 'let this go' and I really wish I could do so quickly. Unfortunately, no one who has ever been in the position that I was in has ever been able to 'let go' quickly. Healing is a process...A deep wound is caused and it is never allowed to heal properly. It festers and becomes infected. Sometimes proud flesh evolves, sometimes gangrene sets in, and sometimes a portion has to be removed in order that the wound can have a chance to heal. Once it begins to heal, it can not do so overnight. Based on how severe, how deep, how wide and how gangrenous the wound was, the healing can take weeks, months, even years to heal. And during that time, the last thing that needs to happen is any type of trauma to that wound or near it, or else the wound can reopen and the process must begin again.
I am going through a healing process right now and it will not happen quickly. There are steps that must be taken, areas that must be cleansed, pieces that must be scraped away to make way for healthy tissue to grow.
If this makes you uncomfortable, then that is YOUR problem. I have enough to deal with without having to be reprimanded for doing what I have been advised to do, for doing what my heart, mind and soul told me I needed to do a long, long time ago.
This is the story of MY life and this is MY blog where I can write whatsoever I choose to write. I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't believe it or lack the ability to comprehend it. GOD knows that my words are true. GOD knows the pain in my heart. GOD knows my motivations...And GOD is the ONLY being that has been with me from day one!
Abuse in ANY form is bad, but abuse on a continual basis for years upon years is downright evil and the only way to deal with evil is to shine light upon it and bring the secrets that have held us bondage out into the open for ALL to see.
Besides, if revenge had been my motivation I would have sent those filthy pictures off to Hustler, or some other filthy magazine, and made a little money so I wouldn't have had to live in my danged car for three weeks back in '81 when she kicked me out of the house and told me that I couldn't go to family for help because they all hated me.
But as hard as all of this has been, I regret not doing so because revenge would have been a heck of a lot easier!
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